Are You Hot?
Hot Zone 4: Southwest

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Week Four is over

Lorenzo calls one woman "very smoky." The hell?

One guy comes out and looks jaundiced. I mean, literally yellow in the face. When he rubs his hands together, his pecs dance. Oh, ugh. La Duke gets miffed when he says he "was born ready," because cockiness is not sexy. I'm learning so much from this pile of crap show.

Wow, Crystal Madison. She's lovely, and with a name like that, she's already won in my mind. Lorenzo gives "[his] African queen" high marks. Hey, how do you know she's from Africa, Lorenzo? Oh, right. She's a black woman.

The curly-haired guy from San Diego says he's more closely watching the girls than the guys. He's super-tall, and has a goofy laugh. La Duke says he's got a body you "see on the side of an underwear box." Um, "underwear box"? The hell?

Ew, Mary has on a gold faux-Tiffany heart chain. I hate those things. And she has a classic over-tweeze going on with her eyebrows. Lorenzo, always off the mark, calls her look "tasteful." But he whips out the laser pointer and notes that her thighs are "fatty." The crowd boos.

Hee, there's a guy called Cheval. Cheval Royale. No, it's just Cheval.

JD says that "this is the moment we've all been waiting for." The end of the series? The announcement that war is or isn't going to happen? Is the stock market coming out of the dumper? Or perhaps some new jobs have been created and all my unemployed or underemployed friends can quit working at Tower Records? Oh, he meant he's going to announce the final contestants from this "hot zone." Or, which four men and women have "earned the right to advance to the semi-finals?" Barf. David, Jimmy the giant curly-haired guy, Dylan, and Dominic the Rhino. And now for the women. BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP! Crystal Madison, of course, Brandy the Hawaii woman, Sheree, and Rachel. The ballerina girl, not hot enough, twirls her hair compulsively as she walks off-stage. Yeeps.

Usually this is the part where JD tells us to go online and vote at the ABC website -- but instead we get a voice-over telling us that, "due to current events, our hot zone four semi-finalists will be selected by the judges." Current events? What are those?

Oh, snap, more crying from the losers. The compulsive ballerina girl says that she had a chance to get to know some of the girls, and "nobody got the memo, or sent the memo to [her] where stupidity became attractive." You missed that? Maybe you were twirling your hair, Twirly. Mole-face says that "it would be really nice to be moving on," then licks her lips. Mooooole.

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Are You Hot?

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