You may have noticed, dear reader, that because of the war and all, your regularly scheduled program, Are You Hot?, has been, um, missing. I know, I know -- first there's the State of the Union Address, then President Bush breaks in and tells us Saddam Hussein has forty-eight hours to go into exile, then the war starts. What, you may be asking, the fuck is WRONG with everyone? I just want to watch a little T&A on a major network! Well, friends, wait no longer. Actually, if you're reading this, you've waited too long, as there are no photos in this recap. All I'm trying to say is that somehow, amidst war and important news from our president, ABC finally found the time (9 PM on a Saturday) to give their audience closure on the all-important issue of who the hottest male and female in America are. The answers are all here. Don't you feel better now?
In the first hour are the top sixteen from the four zones. Again with the math problems? Bring on the asses already. Oh, good evening, JD. Nice to see your bronzed self. You look rested. Or at least tanned to a nice burnt sienna. He holds up an envelope containing the results of Zone 4: Southwest. Oh, I can hardly wait. Cue the music. Shawn? BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP. Hey, it's Jimmy, the tall, goofy, curly-haired surfer dude! And David, the bald black guy! Sorry, other guys, as they "are not hot enough to advance." Whatever.
Now for the women. BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP. Oh, the suspense. Or something. Crystal Madison, a beautiful black woman with the name of a porn star! Congrats! And Rachel, an okay brunette! Rachel actually looks less than thrilled to have been chosen, which raises my opinion of her. Her expression would be the same at the dentist after learning that they ran out of chocomint paste, but hey, the new cherrymint is good!
And now, the reactions from the "winners" and "losers." In my mind, they're all losers. Anyway, Jimmy the goof says that being selected was "intense" and "fun" and "a good feeling when they call your name and you walk out there!" Oh, Jimmy. You are so pretty. Rachel, in an unmatched show of class in this show so far, says that "there are a lot of pretty girls who entered this competition," and on hearing her name, she thought, "Who, me?" Wow, humility, modesty, and compliments to the other contestants? Burn her! BURN HER!
Uh-oh, there's that sad piano again! Sharee, whose krylon reads "Not Hot Enough," says that she's "a little upset," but "everything happens for a reason" and she's "gonna get something better." You mean, like just about anything? A Subway sandwich is better than this. Stale popcorn? A world of better. I can't think of anything worse, barring war, herpes, or the SARS virus. Hey, Sars, sucks about that virus and your name, huh? ["Feh." -- Sars] All I can say is, you should have fired me when you had the chance. I don't play.
From the Westwood Theater in Los Angeles, JD woodenly reads off a TelePrompTer. "The competition. Has never. Been tougher." There's a pause, then a male in the audience screams, "YEAH!" People join in and applaud. Wow, one guy in the crowd has a chin piercing. I'm sorry, could you hold on? I'm just going to get a case of Michelob Ultra and some chips.