Australia Reunion

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Joanna: B- | Grade It Now!
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Without a Peachy in sight, we return from the chaos surrounding Tina's win and Colby's bizarre excitement to Bryant "I'm Arrogant" Gumbel sitting on the million-dollar set and disrespectfully announcing the S16. Tina tee-hees and giggles with her hands in her lap when he says her name. Both she and Colby are spared any pithy identifying descriptions. The others are not so lucky. Bryant Gumbel calls Bozo the Keith "the Outback's resident chef." He moves onto the "ever so sweet Elisabeth" and "her buddy Rodger." He can't come up with anything remarkable about Lamber except that she's young; Nick is touted for his Harvard-law-student status. As the sequel to The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Controversial Jerri Mathey is coming to a theatre near you. Alicia is "oh so buff" and Jeff is a cheerleader, which doesn't look like his description of choice. Michael is, of course, "burn victim," and it must have been a real toss-up between that and "pig killer." Kimmi's a vegetarian and Mitchell's a "seven-footer." A good-looking seven-footer too; he's working the whole Wesley Windham Price look. Bryant knows better than to try to improve upon Mad Dog for Maralyn, and Kel's just a Captain. He concludes, "The first to go Debb Eaton." Except it sounds like he just says "Debbie," which would be very odd. In any case, Debbie looks all twisty-faced and nervous.

Tina -- whether that really is Tina will not be debated here -- says she never even thought about the "voting caucus" and she keeps saying she "never believed it." I think she means to say she didn't think she'd win. I find that difficult to believe. So does Bryant. Tina explains for the bazillionth time that she and Colby felt liked they'd won when they got to the final two. Bryant still doesn't believe her and says they're talking about a difference of "considerable jack" between the title of "Sole Survivor" and runner-up. And it has been recently pointed out to me that the bane of my existence Michael Bolton song was really "Sole Provider." I should have known that because it's the song Emily lost her virginity to with Greg (Paul Johansson, who went on to play KEG man and Kelly-suitor John Sears) in the limo on Santa Barbara. Because that's not pathetic or anything. Anyway, after Bryant says "considerable jack," Colby says, "Nine hundred thousand" which makes everyone laugh before Bryant tries to be funny and adds, "But who's counting?" Tina says she would have done it for free, which seems even more unbelievable to me than anything else she's said. I continue to think that Colby's in some kind of valium-induced haze throughout this segment. Bryant asks him why he made such a "magnanimous gesture," and Colby gets confused; he thought Bryant was asking about some other magnanimous gesture. Like when he let someone else win the immunity challenge for once. Oh wait, that never happened. Colby says he's put a lot of thought into coming up with something intelligent to say because he knew he'd be asked that very question. Obviously he didn't come up with anything good, because he fumbles around the question for a while and then explains that "the game changes." I don't even think he knows why he picked Tina. In any case, he says that when he and Tina started becoming close, they decided to play their own game. I don't think that if Tina had won immunity, she would have chosen Colby to go into the finals with her, but we'll never know. Colby states again that making the final two was a victory for them, in case we didn't get it the first sixty-three and a half times. As Colby tells us that he didn't lose a night's sleep over choosing Tina, the camera pans to a curious-looking Bozo the Keith. Maybe Colby ate some beans and stew last night, because he just can't stop running on. He says that Tina deserved to win and that's "the beauty of the game." In the end, according to Colby, winning challenges didn't matter, nor did it matter how many "beans of stew [he] ate all the time." He says that people can't understand the experience, and that he doesn't expect them to.

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