8:25 - Clearly Bowen also was distracted by Denning's rack, because she will not stop saying the word "nipple." And no, ABC, I will not send a #EMMYCONGRATS to anyone tonight.
8:31 - Matthew Perry's speech is about as funny as everything he's done since Friends, combined.
8:31 - Comedy Series Guest Actor and Actress recap: Jimmy Fallon and Kathy Bates. I can't make a joke about it, I'm too distracted by Bate's fabulous sparkles!
8:33 - What makes a good comedy director? Being able to tell a low-stakes Jew joke.
8:33 - 33 minutes in, and we're already on our third Modern Family win, with Steven Levitan getting the Directing trophy. What will he say about his sex life this year?
8:35 - I can't even bring myself to watch Modern Family spots anymore. Everyone hates Lily in this one because she's a terrible diva. I think there's some marriage equality commentary in there? For once, I'm happy to see Ken Jeong in the middle of an ensemble-heavy comedy bit.
8:37 - Comedy Lead Actor time already? Not that I'm complaining... well, except about Hollywood forcing Melissa McCarthy to make sexual jokes at her own expense. Let Mindy get a joke in there, teleprompter!
8:39 - Jon Cryer wins and none of his co-nominees can even muster a grin.
8:44 - Stephen Colbert is out to talk about the War on Women and the Best Lead Actress, and while it's cute, I'm too busy rooting for Amy Poehler to care.
8:46 - And.... Julia Louis-Dreyfus takes it. Amy Poehler looks like she's going to cry. Oh wait, they did a bit where she had Julia's speech! I am such a sucker.
8:46 - Veep is great and all, but Gary's bag is the real star of that show.
8:49 - The Year in Reality segment is dangerously short on Dance Moms clips. Also, someone won The Voice last season? When did that happen?
8:51 - I need way more Damon Wayans Jr. and James Van Der Beek in my life, and yet the Emmys were too busy rushing them along to tell us The Amazing Race won Best Reality Show for the 90th year in a row. Also, WHY isn't Rachel Reilly on stage? Lame!
8:56 - A Big Bang Theory Emmys spot is generally useless, but at least it makes the Emmys accounts segment more... sponsored by CBS.
8:58 - The sound quality this year reaches a new low with Seth MacFarlane. Turns out he just didn't go to the right mic (that's what they all say), but he brightens things up with a Stewie impression. When did he become less terrible? I feel like it was around the same time Ted came out.