After the whole 2009 Kanye West/Taylor Swift fiasco, it's hard to get excited about the VMAs anymore because what could possibly top that? Last year proved that the answer to that question is certainly not "Chelsea Handler". But this year has some promise, considering there's a Hunger Games trailer, the whole no host thing and the late-breaking news that Beyonce is the first woman in the history of humanity to get pregnant. So let's watch and cross our fingers that we didn't completely waste a night on this crap.
9:00 - Let the games begin! Katy Perry is nominated for TEN different awards, so it's gonna be a long evening.
9:01 - Gaga opens up the show. There is no egg, but there is drag. No, that's not Ralph Macchio as his Outsiders character, it's Jo Calderone of Gaga's Vouge fame. Is anyone even listening to what she's saying, or we just trying to think of clever things to say on Twitter right now?
9:03 - Still talking and doing this whole Dog Day Afternoon thing? Kay.
9:04 - Justin Bieber is wearing an elder statesman stone face.
9:05 - Some kind of Grease/West Side Story/Scarface thing happening now.
9:08 - I guess it's cool that a woman isn't tearing off her clothes in the opening performance, but does she really have to be dressed like a man to do it? #deepthoughtsVMA
9:09 - Man, Brian May is looking more and more like Patrick Duffy every day.
9:11 - Kevin Hart... who? Are people just getting up and leaving?
9:12 - Someone just informed us that Kevin Hart is a comedian. No he's not, we replied.
9:13 - Yeah, really glad with they went with the no host thing. Is he having a bad dream that he's bombing at the VMAs? And did they just bleep "midget"? That and "comes" tonight. So far.
9:14 - Still not over skinny Jonah Hill. Still completely over the four-year-old porn star aesthetic of Nicki Minaj.
9:15 - Jonah Hill doing the ol' Jesse Eisenberg routine.
9:15 - Big win for Britney Spears and her great grandchildren.
9:17 - Cannot reiterate how glad I am Kevin Hart isn't hosting.
9:23 - And nooow getting set on fire: Kanye and Jay Z!
9:26 - Still no facial expression from Bieber. Might he have a fever, of sorts?