8:58 - Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman just gave the best description of Les Mis ever: "Wolverine gets chased by Gladiator. Catwoman gets knocked up and has to give her baby to Bellatrix LeStrange from Harry Potter and Borat. Catwoman dies and Wolverine agrees to raise her baby who grows up to star in Mamma Mia." I swear I read that on Tumblr a few days ago.
8:59 - As the least professional TV critic ever, it's still my first instinct to giggle whenever I hear someone say Dick Van Dyke's name. Cool guy though, yeah, sure, of course.
9:04 - Whoops, missed the Dick Van Dyke tribute and his lifetime award speech, too busy watching a repeat of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo where a pig shits on a dinner table. Was it any good?
9:07 - Wilson from Cast Away got a great makeover! So glad he's getting work again, this time as a trophy.
9:13 - Neil Patrick Harris and Amy Poehler saying words dramatically is more enjoyable to me than most things are.
9:14 - TV dramas! We're about to find out who gets the Outstanding Male Actor, and if Newsroom gets any recognition, so help me. I love how wild the crowd goes for Jon Hamm's reel.
9:15 - And the winner is Bryan Cranston! Someone heard him knocking! I got a late start to Breaking Bad so this is the first time I'm seeing him win an award as a fan of the show, which might explain why I even care at all.
9:17 - Aaron Paul's beautiful fiancée maybe makes me feel bad about myself a little bit, no biggie.
9:19 - Phew, Dev Patel is here to talk about Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and not some bogus Bigfoot theory. I was worried!
9:20 - Damn, already time for Outstanding Female Actor in a Drama Series. Obviously Claire Danes takes it... and oops, she says "actress," which means I just lost a $20 bet and now have a lot of drinking to do in the next 37 minutes.
9:24 - This speech is so long, that's so Carrie! Looking at her chin move really does pass the time.
9:25 - I laughed way too hard at the announcer butchering Jessica Chastain's name. Not a good way to start the In Memoriam segment.
9:28 - Yeah, I would deem that sufficiently sad. Yay?
9:34 - I'm kind of bummed Sigourney Weaver won't win anything for her amazing film cameo this year (I'll spare you the spoiler!). I guess announcing the best TV Drama Ensemble is a good consolation prize.
9:37 - A surprise victory for
The X-Files Downton Abbey! "Shut the French windows" is the new being pregnant with Lena Dunham. I just can't believe how much they're letting a servant speak for the whole gang.