Ever wonder what happens to all the scamps, scads, tramps and cads cruelly cast off the Path of Love from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? No? ABC doesn't care. They are going to make this show happen. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present for your consideration, Bachelor Pad. Also known as ABC's attempt to meld the highbrow... er, drama (?) of The Bachelor/ette with the lowbrow, herpes-addled, money-grubbing slutfest of VH1 reality television. Did you all see I Love Money? I did. Who doesn't want to watch the Disney version of that? *Raises Hand * ...Sigh.
Chris Harrison, the least gainfully employed person on television (yes, I'm including the Gosselins), greets us outside The Bachelor Pad, a.k.a. Herpes Manor. He touts the wild success of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, not in the ratings department, but in the Love Department (please say that in your best Barry White voice), which is laughable. He talks about the romance, the weddings, the children. And he does it all without cracking a smile. He is a true Bachelor/ette zealot, which makes me scared of him just a little.
Anyway, Harrison explains that The Bachelor Pad is just a different way of looking for love. That's like comparing a candlelit dinner to a drunken weekend in Tijuana where you fall asleep under a cactus with a giant sombrero on your head and an undying love of Mexican stereotypes. But Harrison swears that this show is about love, and since he put it in air quotes we can only assume he means love of public indecency, binge drinking and nationally-televised barfing. He also promises that some of "our favorite" contestants will be competing and loving each other right before our eyes. Who the heck are these masochists who didn't get enough public shaming during their first go-round? (We have a guidebook for you.)
First out of the limo is Tenley, whose sparkling personality and rosy cheeks makes her about two bluebirds short of being a Disney Princess. Next up is Peculiar Jesse, who you may recall from the most recent Bachelorette. Then it is some blonde who thinks Jesse is the most handsome man she has ever seen outside of the one guy at a Cracker Barrel and, of course, the Twilight movies. Then a woman who competed on Season 2 of The Bachelor dares to show her aged and decrepit face in daylight, and everyone cringes in horror and hides their faces behind their Jonas Brothers Trapper Keepers. Jesse points out that Season 2 of The Bachelor aired sometime in 1200 A.D., so she is either a vampire or was married to a kick-ass plastic surgeon.