Bachelor Pad

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: D+ | 1 USERS: A+

Then some "bangin'" girl steps out of the limo. I know she's bangin' because they said it about 12 times. Then it's the wee little Weatherman, who was briefly vying for Ali's love, but his tendency to burst into tears at the thought of kissing a girl and his wee little package (What? He said it.) forced Ali to send him to not pass go, but to head directly to The Bachelor Pad. The Weatherman reminds us that he really hates Craig M., a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott and hopes he is not going to show up. Oh, but he is so totally going to show up! Next out of the car is Juan, who really hopes Nikki isn't there, but Nikki is so totally there, too! Awkward!

Natalie, who is operating as a Greek chorus that would make Aeschylus proud, explains that Juan stayed with Nikki in Chicago and thought it would be cheaper to sleep with her in lieu of paying for a hotel room. But that bill is going to come due when she cockblocks him with the other ladies simply for hooking up with some other sad-sack, fake-boobed contestant during a reunion trip! What's her damage, right? Women usually love his charming Himbo ways. Isn't male sluttiness the same as male charisma? No? Damn.

When we return from commercials, The Weatherman is still talking about the evils of Fake Dean, and Tenley is too polite to step away from him, but she is considering giving him a poisoned apple and feeding him to her dwarves. Then some guy named Wes shows up, but before he can cross the threshold into the house, Chris forces him to sign a blood affidavit that he is single. Wes pauses for a minute and then nods. Natalie (natch) explains that Wes is America's favorite villain, and hopefully the ladies will all understand that he just plays a villain on the TV.

Then some girl names Krisily shows up, and no one has any idea who she is, and she goes to stand in a corner alone and hugs herself. Elizabeth arrives and announces that she is ready to open her heart and win $250,000. She has a huge crush on some guy named Jesse K. Jesse K. admits they've hooked up some in the past (past three months!), but he's much more interested in the money than, like, an actual relationship with an actual woman. As long as this place has Wi-Fi and hasn't blocked the good part of the internet, he is all set.

Then a veritable avalanche of boob jobs, hair dye and lip gloss comes pouring through the door as the guys gape and Natalie narrates the girl parade: She's the crazy one, she's the one dating someone, she's the one who will boil your bunny. Then a girl named Gia walks in, and the guys' jaws drop, and the girls instantly hate her until she says she has boyfriend, and then they all relax in unison and offer to braid her hair. And then: DRAMAZ!! Craig M. a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott pulls up. His hair is a wee bit shorter now that he got a chance to see how Real Dean McDermott did his hair in Season Six of Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood.

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Bachelor Pad




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