Bachelor Pad

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: D+ | 1 USERS: A+

The contestants take some pool time. The girls all start plotting and strategizing and immediately decide that Fake Dean will be the first man eliminated. They didn't like watching him be mean to The Weatherman last season because it was like seeing a stalker kick a puppy for an hour. No fun. Melissa Rycroft rounds up the contestants for the first competition. The game? Twister. They couldn't do Strip Poker or Beer Pong, because this is Disney-owned ABC and thus family programming, and they couldn't do Math, because that is HARD. As the game progresses, everyone twists and turns and ogles each other openly while Chris and Melissa keep tabs on the contest. Ashley and Tenley and Krisily and The Weatherman are all out.

Eventually, Jessie and her bikini-clad ass are the only girl left in the cut throat competition, because apparently Twister is as hard as math. Elizabeth calls out Fake Dean and prays to sweet baby Jesus that he loses. So obviously he wins. Which means that he has immunity, which, for the slow or not paying attention means THE GIRLS CAN'T SEND HIM HOME. He is pretty sure that means everyone now loves him. Harrison reminds him that he can't be eliminated and then explains that he gets to take three girls on a date and gets an immunity rose to hand out on his date. Sadly, it only means the girl can't be eliminated, not that she is immune to Chlamydia.

Fake Dean isn't quite sure what to do with his newfound power. So he obviously decides to take Elizabeth, because she hates him, and he is a glutton for punishment. He convinces her to go with him by letting her play with his Tori Spelling fashion dolls. Also, what else does she have to do during this competition? Might as well get out of the house for a spell and maybe make Jesse K. jealous. If he cares, which he doesn't.

Darkness falls on Herpes Manor and the room is wired with night vision cameras, and while it is clear that someone is hooking up, no one can quite figure out who it was. Tenley spreads the rumor that it was Fake Dean and Michelle. I have no idea who Michelle is, but it is clear that she has awful taste in men. But, wait: Scandal! Michelle swears she didn't do anything and if she did, it certainly wasn't with that puppy-kicking Tori stalker. But everyone believes Tenley, because oh my God, that girl couldn't lie; if she did, a rose bush would spring up around her and she would fall asleep for a hundred years. The date card arrives, and all eyes are on Fake Dean. He picks Jessie, because they made a clutch moment deal on the Twister board, and he is a man of his word. Then he picks Gwen. Grandma Gwen stops knitting her shawl and jumps out of her rocking chair shocked that these little whippersnappers remember to respect their elders. Then glutton-for-punishment Fake Dean invites Elizabeth on the date.

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Bachelor Pad




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