Bachelor Pad

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: D+ | 1 USERS: A+

It's the Day of Elimination, and everyone is strategizing like nerds at a dodgeball game. Juan decides that the moments before elimination would be a really great time to apologize to Nikki for being a man-slut and sleeping with her instead of getting a hotel room. In retrospect, a Motel 6 was probably cheaper than strings-attached sex. When Jesse K. realizes that Elizabeth is rallying the ladies against him, he thinks it is time to pretend that every time Elizabeth says she is in love with him he doesn't throw up in his mouth. Then she cries and he manages to mutter that he knows she is in his corner. In the confessional he whines about the bad spot he is in, because he either has to take himself off the market for the ladies or pretend he likes Elizabeth. Fuck, man. He can't handle this much rock-and-a-hard-place drama. He totally flunked out of his fourth-grade acting class at the local Y.

It's Elimination Time, and no one is safe. Unless they have a rose. Harrison wanders in and reminds the clusterchump that the women have to vote off one man, and the men have to vote off one woman. Harrison explains that they have to pick the picture of the contestant they likey the least and put it in the box for elimination. It's nice that they aren't making the contestants use words or, like, write the names of contestants, because that would be HARD. The girls' loyalty is torn between helping Elizabeth kick off Jesse K. for being a conniving ass and making Elizabeth cry -- twice! -- or kicking off Juan for treating Nikki's vajayjay like a flophouse. Yes, even though he apologized. Tonight Chris Harrison announces the roses, but he has to defer to co-host Melissa Rycroft's rose-handing-out experience.

Chris starts calling out names, and the contestants start collecting their roses. Melissa Rycroft is wearing a dress that looks like if a glitter ball got mummified. Suddenly, there are only four roses left. Elizabeth gets one, leaving Krisily (who is guilty of trying to rouse the girl troops against the stronger male contestants) and Crazy Michelle. Krisily gets to stay.

On the men's side, Jesse K. and Juan are in the bottom two. Jesse gets the rose, meaning that Juan is going home. In the limo on the way out of town, Juan realizes that Nikki was probably behind his dismissal. And after he apologized to her and everything. How could she be so cruel? Michelle has also put two-and-two together and come up with seven. Seven little dwarves and one frakking songbird-addled storybook princess. She knows that the Disney princess had to prevail, because this is the grown-up Disney channel after all. But Michelle is totally going to kill at least two of her dwarves anyway.

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Bachelor Pad




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