Bachelor Pad

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The Devil's Rejects

Dawn breaks on the communal bedroom, but battle lines are already drawn (and most of the girls already have on full make-up). Some of the girls are feeling like outsiders because they aren't actively sleeping with anyone on the boys' team. Yet. The outsiders include Gia, who awkwardly (maybe stupidly) came on the show with a boyfriend, and Gwen, who is actually the Vampire Queen of the greater Los Angeles area. Also in the outsider group is Nikki, who had her ex-boyfriend forcibly evicted from the show last week, and Krisily, mostly because no one has any idea who the heck she is. But as we head into the second competition, she quickly makes a name for herself by REFUSING TO COMPETE.

She takes one look at the early morning pie-eating competition laid out for the housemates and quickly goes to poke Chris Harrison in the arm. As she dares to touch the hem of his garment, Harrison glares at the offending finger until Krisily realizes her error, hangs her head in shame, and mutters some malarkey about not having a gall bladder and being unable to digest fat and not being convinced that $250,000 is worth spending months in the hospital. CANDY ASS! David sums it up: She should have tried to suck it up and get through it. What the fuck is a gallbladder anyway? Totally made-up.

The girls must compete first. They prepare for battle by removing their shirts. Because that's how these hos roll. Their hands are tied behind their backs, and the girls dig in, face first. They all start with gusto, but quickly the calorie count takes its toll on all the gastric bypass patients and it quickly turns into that scene from Stand By Me where Lard Ass starts puking and then everyone starts puking. It was pretty much a shit storm of vomit. All the guys are taking one, then two, then five steps back as the girls start hurling their pie into the buckets that were provided with prescient foresight. The men quickly lose their perma-hard ons. Even the wee little Weatherman can't keep his Cialis-induced woodie afloat at the sight of all the girls barfing in the breeze.

At some point Chris Harrison disappears because he is not paid enough to risk getting barf on his Bruno Maglis. Also, his shirt matches the tablecloth, and he's worried someone might get confused. Soon it is only Disney princess Tenley and Gia the Taken left in the competition. The Crying Blonde whose name I can't remember points out that they are the smallest girls in the competition, so it was pretty Alanis Morissette. Tenley barfs and eats and barfs and eats and then barfs IN HER PIE and keeps eating, which clearly Disney would not approve of, although I'm sure her Kappa Phi Delt sisters would totally get it. Gia, meanwhile, gracefully tips her pie on the table and wolfs it down like Rover at a Purina party. She wins! And she gets immunity and a non-sexual date with three men of her choice. Tenley just gets bulimia.

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Bachelor Pad




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