Every Monday night I am surprised to realize that Bachelor Pad is still on the air. And not on a lesser network like VH1, but on an actual, Disney-owned network during primetime. This is End Times, people. If you see four horsemen heading this way, send up a flare. To make sure we don't miss even a second of potential drama, the show starts the moment it ended last Monday. Thank God, because clearly we didn't have enough time mulling over the minutiae of the moronic mind. If you have been smartly huffing paint and can't remember what happened last week, please, allow me to fill in the gaps. Just pray for my poor brain cells: Some girl named Gia -- who is vying for the chance to represent the United States in the Hair Flipping Olympics -- was supposed to give Fake Dean McDermott, a.k.a. Craig M., the Rose of Immunity so he would be spared from the chopping block and one of the self-proclaimed Cool Kids would be ousted. But despite promising the rose to Fake Dean, she gave the Rose of Immunity to Wes because he claimed he loved her. Oh Eros, always striking at inopportune times.
To deflect from her failures, she targeted Nikki for failing to perform her role in Plan B and eliminate the stupidly named Kiptyn from the competition. You see, at the last minute, Nikki remembered she was friends with Kiptyn, despite his stupid name. I am really saddened by the fact that I know what all these words strung together actually mean. I mean, God, what have we done to ourselves that any of this makes sense, let alone is deemed worthy to watch? ...Sigh. All I know is that, right now, we are watching the tiny blonde Gia, who has gigantic lips she constantly purses because someone probably once told her she looked like Julia Roberts in a good way when she did that with her lips. Now she is using that ersatz illustrious mouth to torment Nikki into tears while Kiptyn stands silent as his supposed friend is forced to fall on her sword for her decision to spare his life. Well, not so much his life, as his chance to win a quarter of a million dollars! And love! And a lifetime supply of Valtrex! Gia is also using her flapping lips to spill all the secrets and strategies of the so-called Outsiders. Before anyone can elbow Ponyboy in the gut and get her to shut her yap, she starts pouting, realizing that everyone hates her. No fair! Except, of course, it is totally fair, because she is horrible.