Bachelor Pad
Episode 303

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No Good Reid Goes Unpunished

Good lord, this is tedious. We get the two alliances laid out, which are apparently Michael and Rachel, Chris and Blakeley, and Ed and Jaclyn, with everyone else on the other side, except for Kalon and Lindzi, who are the loose cannons. Erica talks about the underdogs banding together to throw out the top dogs "for the first time in Bachelor Pad history" which is a phrase that makes absolutely no sense.

Chris Harrison comes in to pad out some of the bloated two-hour running time by asking how everyone's feeling, as well as going over the rules of the Rose Ceremony, because of the assumption that viewers have the attention span of five-year-olds.

A very agitated Blakeley goes to Chris to try to make sure she's safe. Chris, displaying his winning ways with women yet again, advises her to not "be stupid." She then goes to Tony, getting more nervous by the moment, and Michael sits down with her to reassure her. Of course, we still haven't gotten Blakeley's promised big moment where she admits she needs the money because she's destitute, so maybe that's coming soon.

More machinations! I realize that from the letters of "machinations" you can spell "nachos" which is a great idea right now, considering we still have a half-hour to endure. Donna says she'll be disappointed if she goes home, because everyone is getting action but me, and that is not usually how it goes down.

Apparently it's down to Donna and Blakeley, and it seems like every guy in the house considers himself the swing vote. And suddenly there's Nick making out with Donna (might as well get that action in while she can!), while other men are voting and Nick is talking about Donna's breasts as a reason to keep her, because this is where we are in our culture. Kalon relishes the fact that he's told both Blakeley and Donna what they want to hear, because oh that's right: He thinks America loves to hate him, when really America can't be arsed to actively hate him but have instead just accurately judged him to be a douchebag who isn't worth anyone's energy.

Reid thinks that, with the vote against Ed, now's a good time to get rid of him, so he decides to explain his position to Jaclyn, who's confused, but then again she's confused about where the sun goes at night. He's angling to be her partner once Ed is gone. She starts to cry. "There's a lot of betrayal already and I just hate this game," she says. God, it's annoying when people on reality shows like this refer to "competition" as "betrayal." Reid at least understands that. "I didn't want it to happen this way, but Ed is screwed," says Reid. Jaclyn's put out by Reid's forwardness in discussing partner arrangements. "I didn't expect friends to be stabbing each other in the back," she whines to us, and then she goes crying to Ed to, you know, snitch to him about what Reid was saying. She has decided to make it her mission to make sure every woman in the house votes Reid off tonight, and when we watch her vote, she goes so far as to rip up Reid's picture before sticking it in the ballot box.

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Bachelor Pad

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