Bachelor Pad
Episode 307

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Dead to Me

There are twists and turns coming in this new episode of Bachelor Pad! From the contestants' reactions, they're on par with Inception, but that's probably not the case... unless you thought that movie was stupid.

Nick tells us that "it seems like so long ago" that they started, I'm going to have to agree. There are four "couples" left, and Chris the Eagle tells everyone in a completely spontaneous manner that whatever happens, it's going to be an unbelievable experience. I have the feeling I'm going to keep agreeing with the letter of what a lot of these dipshits say tonight. Sarah lets us know that there are no alliances "anymore," like they were so forged in steel up until now. Chris, whose treatment of at least one of his partners I believe prompted some sort of humanitarian outcry, says that Nick and Rachel are at a huge disadvantage, since their partnership is based on being thrown together and not on "chemistry." Rachel thanks the group for indulging her, I guess, since she's been whining about wanting to go home ever since Michael's ouster. Nick, for his part, tells us in a talking lobster head that he wishes Rachel would rely on him a bit more, but maybe she figures melanoma is enough for you to have to worry about, guy.

The next morning, Tony and Blakely talk about challenges and whatever, and then Blakely tells us how she needs to win challenges because no one in the house can trust Chris "in this game," which makes a lot of sense, because I guess she'd be willing to lose to anyone she trusts? Chris Harrison then enters and blathers for a while until getting to it -- the winners of this morning's competition will have "a lot of power in their hands." I expect this should be read literally, like they're playing for an oversized battery, but Harrison also informs us that after this morning, one couple will be leaving the Pad "forever," and if that banishment comes with a restraining order I really hope Chris is involved. Harrison tells them all to pack, which is always a tease if you ask me, and then Tony tells the camera that he makes Blakely's nerves "come down a little bit," which, I'd suggest he apply to his claim that he's on this asinine show "for [my] son" and also, given the tank top he's wearing, to his claims of heterosexuality. Chris informs us that he and Sarah are "dark horses with their backs against the wall," which seems cruel, if not physically impossible.

So there's a huge scaffolding built over the pool, from which several cables attached to small platforms are dangling. Ed tells us that it's "imperative" that he and Jacklyn win, which makes me think he's automatically going to lose, as does anyone on any of the Bachelor shows who slips up and reveals an IQ over 80. So this contest is a combination of the "mental" and physical -- one person on each team will sit on one of the platforms, while his or her partner answers trivia questions. Each question incorrectly answered will result in one of the cables attached to the partner's seat being cut. After three cut cables, the contestant only will have a metal bar from which to hang; from there on out, it's pure stamina. Whichever couple's representative outlasts the others wins his or her team's right to send another couple home. Three of the couples pick their dude to sit, figuring that their upper-body strength will come in handy, but Nick and Rachel go against the grain. I'm all for doing things differently, but in the short time I've known him, Nick has not exactly made me think he's going to be Bachelor Pad Trivia Rain Man, and sincere apologies to Dustin Hoffman for that one.

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Bachelor Pad

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