Bachelor Pad
Episode 307

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Couch Baron: F | Grade It Now!
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Dead to Me

Chris says he wants to say a few words (nice to ask Sarah if she'd like to say anything), and he whines about how people didn't trust him and whatever, and lord, Blakely, do you have to hold Tony's arm so it's smashed into your boob? You're scaring him! Not for long, though, as they're the ones going home, and Blakely cries like she just read The Yearling, or had it read to her in any event, like no wonder this is two hours long if they're going to show her crying for five whole minutes. As much of a dick as he is, I kind of enjoy Chris being all "whatever" about this storm of tears, because COME ON. The car ride keeps going and going, like, you can tell it's been hours because Blakeley is dry-eyed, and Tony babbles about his son and his "connection" with Blakely, and they share a kiss that would have passed Standards and Practices even in the 19th century.

Jacklyn whines about how a reward would be really nice, given all the wartime-level emotional trauma they've been through, and then Harrison comes in and tells them they're going to their next challenge right now, and the winner will be guaranteed a spot in the final. Jacklyn can't believe her lot in life as the six of them hop into a limo, and they end up at the Palladium in Hollywood, which makes me cringe as to what's going to happen. You see, inside is Night Ranger singing "Sister Christian," which makes me SO SAD for them, especially since they're obviously lip-syncing. Even worse, the six of these idiots, with the aid of a vocal coach, will all be singing the song in front of Night Ranger and a live audience. Harrison sends them all off to rehearse, and Nick says while he can't sing, he's going to go "balls to the wall," which might actually help with that. Of course, I don't have much confidence in anyone who uses the construction "Rachel and I's."

You guys, vocal coaches use silly-seeming techniques to loosen people's voices up! It appears that Sarah's voice could be considered a deadly weapon in many states, not that anyone else's is much better. Nick and Rachel have no idea what the song is about, which in my opinion should eliminate them from the competition immediately. Ed and his stupid hair feel "disorientated." Me too, I guess.

The next morning, Chris tells one of the other dudes that he vomited that morning, so nervous was he over Sarah's horrible singing. Soon day turns into night, and the couples are showing up to the theater in front of, the show would like us to believe, hundreds of people, which no. Rachel glams Nick up with some eye makeup as the CGI audience seems to go wild for the couples. Nick and Ed have hair-band wigs on, but Chris the Eagle is too cool for crap like that. Harrison then explains to the crowd what's going on, like if these people didn't answer some vague background casting call then I don't even know what. Same goes for Night Ranger, actually. Nick and Rachel go first, and Rachel at least hits the notes, if weakly. She and Nick also get into the performance aspect of it. Nick's voice is terrible, but his coach earned her money but getting him to carry the tune as well. The other couple can't believe how Nick and Rachel came together "out of nowhere," like the others' bonds have been fine-tuned over months and years, and now it's Ed and Jacklyn. Jacklyn, just after talking about how the competition is theirs to lose, misses her cue and asks to start again, to no avail. The performance is a disaster -- they flub tons of lyrics, for which they try to make up by dry-humping each other, which is not exactly appropriate, as Nick, who has recently learned what the song is about, is all too quick to tell us.

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