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Mean Girls

The next morning, everyone is uneasy, not just because they are sleeping in a communal bunk room like a bunch of dudes at a slut ranch nor because of the miasma of flatulence that is undoubtedly hanging over those same bunks, but because they filled out some potentially hurtful surveys, which, if answered untruthfully, could, much like the U.S. Census, mean cuts in firehouses, hospitals and elementary schools. Or, you know, being outed as mean bitch. Wes, however, is not troubled by no stinking survey. No, he has immersed himself in the Hot Tub of Sorrows without even bothering with a swimsuit. He and his Calvins flop moodily around the sunken hot tub, mooning over his lost maybe-possible relationship with Gia. If she hadn't been voted off and didn't have a boyfriend, they might really possibly have had some potential. Maybe. Gosh, there is no better television than watching a grown man in his underwear pout. Emmy material, for sure.

Anyway. Melissa Rycroft earns her almost Vanna White-like status by gathering the idiots into a circle of truth. Ooh, look -- more clipboards! Tenley looks troubled. Melissa explains that they (not meaning her and Chris Harrison, God forbid, but like interns) have tabulated the results of the survey. The syphilitic chuckleheads have to answer questions correctly based on the survey results. First person to get four points wins. First question? Whose was named most likely to win? Everyone thinks for a second and picks: Kiptyn. Lots of people guessed that his WASPy name would give him an advantage. Next question: Who is your enemy? I am disappointed to say that not one named Satan as their enemy. I hope the producers give these fornicators some church time on Sunday. Most people choose Krisily as their enemy. Krisily chooses "FUN" as her enemy. I mean have you ever met more of a downer? Eeyore probably gets more e-vites than that girl. Krisily obviously pouts in response. Also her name is not a name, it's an administrative error. A typo at the hospital.

Third question: Who is the most shallow? Chris Harrison recommends being honest even if it costs you a friend. The boys all choose Krisily, who in a moment of self-awareness also chooses herself. The girls (save for Krisily) all pick Elizabeth and, sure enough, Elizabeth is the shallowest person in the house and possibly the hemisphere, depending on where the Kardashians are at the time. Melissa explains that Wes and Dave both have two points; Tenley and Natalie each have three, meaning if either girl gets the next answer correct, they win. The question: Who is the dumbest? Everyone, including Natalie, has picked Natalie. Natalie cheers thinking she has won, but Harrison calmly points out that the answer is actually not Natalie, but Gwen. Gwen is vastly displeased by this, and seriously kids, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. Especially the ones who are clearly vampires (non-sparkly edition). Tenley suddenly realizes that she actually wrote Gwen on her card. She wins! But she is sad because she had to hurt someone's feelings to win. And that is wrong. But she wins! Gwen is sad, and Kovacs has an Iron John moment and realizes that she is hurting and he has contributed to that hurt. He quickly dons a Smash the Dominant Patriarchy T-shirt, buys a copy of Backlash and gives Gwen a hug.

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