Bachelor Pad

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Mean Girls

Now that Tenley has won, the girls are done, so they get to just sit and watch the men mock them. The next question: Who is everyone's secret crush? Obviously, Dave and his portable gun show *kisses biceps* and it is true. He knows it, too, so he also wins the point. Next round of public humiliation? Who will always be a bridesmaid and never a bride? Everyone chooses Natalie, even the guy she is currently sleeping with, Dave. This makes her sad, because even though she is self-professedly dumb, even she realizes that she is just a steppingstone on Dave's path to matrimony... to someone else. The next question will determine a winner for the guys. Who is the biggest jerk? Everyone writes down Wes, because he was the guy who was most recently a dick to the entire house, and these people all lost their long-term memory in marathon beer pong games or huffing face-paint fumes at the football games. Wes writes down Dave. Wes loses. Jesse Kovacs and Peculiar Jesse B. are tied for the lead and must go into a tiebreaker round. The question? Who has the worst boob job? Only on this show (okay and Rock of Love) would that be a normal question. Kovacs is in a tight spot because his girlfriend Elizabeth may have the worst boob job, but if he writes her name down she may no longer be his girlfriend. GOD, ELIZABETH RUINS EVERYTHING. Kovacs writes down Krisily, but, of course, the correct answer is Elizabeth, who runs tearing into the bathroom to stare at her boobs. Peculiar Jesse B. won, but Elizabeth, Gwen, and Natalie also win... new neuroses.

As the game ends, the girls scatter throughout the house to sob in private corners away from prying cameras who love to do close up of girls' tear-stained faces (and bad boob jobs, as the case may be). Natalie opts to hide in a shower, but dumb Gwen instantly tracks her down to comfort her. Gwen has her 200 years of experience to call on, and she knows this is just a silly competition. Natalie is pretty sure that, much like that tarot reader and the fortune-telling fish, this is absolutely a factual finding. Since her idiotic teammates voted her least likely to marry, then it must be TRUE. Elizabeth and her square tits with the unsettling gap between (what, as a faithful reporter, I HAD to look) hides in a closet with a towel over her head. God, LOOK WHAT REALITY TV DOES TO YOU, PEOPLE! This is not something to aspire to! Kovacs goes to comfort her, a move that surprises even him. As Elizabeth sobs over the fact that she grew up poor and had to collect bottles for their refunds to raise funds for new boobs and could only afford the guy who advertised in the back of the bus, Kovacs realizes he loves her. It's like he won the competition already! And Elizabeth is the booby prize!

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Bachelor Pad




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