Bachelor Pad

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A+ | Grade It Now!

Natalie and Dave's Date Card arrives. Everyone tries to guess what "sleeping under the stars" means, but these people are a far cry from Encyclopedia Brown and Sally. Tenley keeps guessing "A rocket ship!" like she has undiagnosed Asperger's. It's not a rocket ship, Tenley, it's a Lamborghini. With built-in Lamborghini cam. Kovacs and Elizabeth are the first to find the car parked in the driveway and decide to mark it as their own with their love juices. When they are done they wander inside and announce their dirty deed and pass on their sloppy seconds to Dave and Natalie. Dave and Natalie don't seem to mind any leftover stickiness as they jump in and speed off -- with Dave driving, of course, because he's The Man and Natalie is just a girl. Back at the Herpes Hacienda, everyone pouts about not being able to drive the big, fancy car or, in the case of Peyton and Jesse B., about IMPENDING DOOM. Meanwhile Dave and Natalie have parked and decided to make their own sexy car calendar/Warrant video. Natalie does her best Tawny Kitaen impression and straddles the Lamborghini in 12 different ways. After making out for a while, they drive to the Bachelor-owned property where Jason and Molly fell in love. This bodes well for Natalie's fantasy of Finding Love. Obviously Finding Love requires drinking and then some sewious tawk. Dave confesses that his parents got divorced and this has made it challenging to form lasting relationships. Natalie's parents have never traveled around the world. Such tragedies bond them. They connect on a deeper level, and naturally this leads to making out in the hot tub.

Speaking of making out in a hot tub, Tenley and Kiptyn are doing the exact same thing! I bet you could get pregnant just sitting in that thing. MORE CHLORINE, PLEASE! They explain how much they like kissing each other. I start retching and miss the rest. Back in the OTHER hot tub, Natalie wants to talk Strategy. She un-straddles Dave so he can focus and tries to sell him on the idea of getting rid of Kovacs. He's not so sure, because he and Kovacs have a suicide pact, and he's not sure if he wants to kick it into high gear. Back at the Herpes Hacienda, Elizabeth and Kovacs are staring googly-eyed at each other, and Elizabeth announces she wants to try and break into the on-premise Fantasy Suite. They sneak upstairs (with camera crew, obvi). Kovacs draws a bubble bath because, yeah, guys are totally into candle-light bubble baths. Then they make out in the bathtub with their swimsuits on. Then they climb into bed and Kovacs asks Elizabeth if she wants to get naked, because at this point why not be completely nude on national television, right? I mean, your grandma is already praying for your immortal soul by now, and if not, your grandma hates you. Elizabeth plays prude-ish and claims she is only naked when she is in love, not lust. Kovacs is like, WTF? We've been dating for six months, do you really expect America to believe we've never slept together? Elizabeth wants us to believe they've never slept together. Then they possibly sleep together. Let's all send her supportive e-mails (and Valtrex)! Then Elizabeth picks a fight because she wants more Romance and what better way to get Romance than by nitpicking? Then she calls herself stupid and America agrees and then she picks another fight and then she tells Kovacs she loves him. He does not respond.

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Bachelor Pad




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