Bachelor Pad

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The next day Natalie and Dave return (Dave is still driving the car) and they find Elizabeth and Kovacs in the Fantasy Suite. They join them, but instead of turning all Showtime After Dark, Kovacs and Dave high five and go to find the beer bong. Later, Kovacs and Dave strategize and do math and realize that Peculiar Jesse and Peyton are going home. They smash beer cans on their heads in celebration. Natalie pulls Peyton aside and tells her to try and sway the stupidly named Kiptyn and Tenley to keep her in the house. Peyton likes the plan. She goes to talk to Tenley and subtly steers Tenley in her direction. Tenley follows the lo-cal bread crumb trail and realizes that Elizabeth and Kovacs need to go. Tenley goes to find Kiptyn who is butchering meat, because someone has to. Between whacks of the butcher's knife, Kiptyn also comes to the conclusion that Kovacs and Elizabeth should probably go. Tenley can't control herself around a man chopping raw chicken and lunges into his arms risking the cross contamination and possible salmonella.

Soon it is time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison parachutes into the DMZ in an airtight suit and announces that the couples get to vote individually because they are autonomous and unique individuals and that he loves them all equally and they are like children to him, until the next season of The Bachelor, when they will be cruelly cast aside and his affections start anew. Everyone is so excited about this newfound autonomy. The voting commences. Peculiar Jesse takes a moment to have a quiet conversation with Kiptyn. He promises to name his firstborn son something equally stupid and WASPy if Kiptyn will vote for Kovacs instead of him. Kiptyn is really into this plan. They shake hands. This means nothing. Pass the Pepto! Kiptyn is torn between strategy and loyalty. In the voting room staring into the dead-eyed picture of Kovacs and Elizabeth, Kiptyn does his best James Dean impression and shrieks, "They're tearing me appaaaaaaarrrrrttttttttt!!!" We cut to commercial to heighten the drama before Kiptyn casts his actual vote. Also to stretch this show out, because there is clearly not enough material to make this an actual two-hour show.

It's the Rose Ceremony. Natalie and Dave are obviously safe. Chris Harrison calls out Tenley and Kiptyn as safe. Then it is already time for the Big Announcement. Chris Harrison stands around, taps his toes, whistles a jaunty tune, and then finally announces that Kovacs and Elizabeth are safe. The lack of drama in and of itself is almost dramatic. So was it Kiptyn who voted for Bros before Hos? Nope. It was ringleader Natalie who decided that voting against her man and partner would only ensure that he would never marry her. So she voted for Peyton and Peculiar Jesse to leave in the hope that Dave will marry and/or give her half the $250,000 prize but mostly marry her. Obviously, Dave will not marry her. Peculiar Jesse gives Natalie the stink eye, calls Peyton a bleeping good partner, calls Natalie a fake, and leaves with style. And then there were three. Three creepy, glossy, smiley, slimy, shameless, shiny, happy couples. *Shudder.*

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Bachelor Pad




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