Suddenly, men in suits appear out of nowhere to escort Dave and Natalie to their deliberation rooms or, in my dreams, to some reality show version of The Hunger Games. Interspersed with shots of Natalie and Dave thinking hard, we get the brilliant suggestions and thoughts of their former housemates. Finally Chris Harrison gets word that they Natalie and Dave have made their final decisions. They shuffle out disappointingly not looking any worse for wear. They sit down on the couch and Dave reveals his answer: SHARE! Natalie stops the proceedings and asks if she can say something. Harrison says no. Which is funny. The audience is hissing in anticipation of seeing Natalie's vote. Harrison stretches the remaining minutes by re-stating the rules. Then he lets Natalie speak. She mumbles something about getting your friends as far as you can and then looking out for yourself. There's more hissing and then Natalie makes her Big Reveal: She's sharing the money, too! My how fittingly anti-climactic! Regardless of the lack of actual drama, Dave freaks out. He jumps over Natalie, runs for Melissa, hugs her to the point of almost popping the uncooked baby out, runs to Chris Harrison and kisses him full on the mouth (er, #nohomo?), high fives Kovacs and then eventually twirls Natalie around. Thus endeth Bachelor Pad . Apparently during the commercials Wes serenaded the audience. So not sorry we missed that. Didn't I suffer enough?

Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates needs a cootie shot. Also, a whiskey shot. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.

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