Bachelor Pad

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Pants Off Dance Off

Elizabeth turns on the waterworks and Kovacs comforts her. Harrison invites them to say their goodbyes. They fake hug their fake friends and then are sent off in separate limos. Keeping up appearances and all. Elizabeth claims she chose love over money although she would have loved the money to fix her bad boob job. In the other limo, Kovacs marvels that he was looking for money and found like instead. Isn't reality funny? Back inside the mansion, Chris Harrison announces that they are all being evicted from the mansion because they are bug bombing the place. Next time the couples meet will be in front of a live studio audience. I was hoping for a dead one, because this show can only be improved by the addition of zombies.

The tone changes dramatically as we join Chris Harrison, Melissa Rycroft and her soon to be Spawn on the set of the live reunion show. There is a lot of screaming, shrieking, waving, and smiling as we are reminded that Craig M. (a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott), The Weatherman, Juan, Nikki, Krisily, Michelle, Peculiar Jesse, Girl Jessie, Jesse Kovacs, Peyton, Gia, Wes, and Vampire Queen Gwen all still exist. The crowd dutifully claps, but no one really gives a crap. To kill time Chris Harrison asks a newly-brunette Elizabeth if she and Kovacs are still dating. They are not. Elizabeth tells the crowd that Kovacs is single and if anyone wants to date a player, he is available. Aw snap! Except, duh. Then Elizabeth and Kovacs argue in public and it's all kinds of awkward and Harrison lets it linger for far too long because there is some time to kill up in here. He finally changes the subject and asks Gia whether SHE still has a boyfriend. She does not and the camera zooms in on Wes's face. Harrison harasses them about their on-camera chemistry and sexual harasses them until they cave and kiss and Gia looks extremely uncomfortable.

Harrison brings it all back to business. There are two couples left and they need to prove their love to their friends and their enemies if they want to win. I kind of think someone is going to be going to third on national television, because nothing would prove their love like that, right? Tenley and Kiptyn burst onto the stage in a shower of confetti and applause. They giggle and snuggle and snog and Tenley plants a flag on Kiptyn's head and declares him her boyfriend. Natalie and Dave calmly walk down the stairs, take their seat and declare that they are making their long distance relationship work. They watched that Drew Barrymore-Justin Long movie, like, twelve times and got some really workable ideas.

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Bachelor Pad

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