Bachelor Pad

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Pants Off Dance Off

Harrison explains that the detritus of the show, which was made up of the detritus of the Bachelor/ette, so is really scraping bottom at this point, will be choosing the winner. Meaning that in no way shape or form is this show actually competitive reality, but just junior high with more STDs. Well, I guess it depends what junior high you went. I went to Lutheran school, so everyday was a herpes-addled love fest. The final round of this ersatz competition is thus lying effectively to a crowd and convincing them that you're not conniving, controlling, or manipulative. First question? Does anyone believe these relationships are real? Short answer? No. Someone points out that Dave was hooking up with Girl Jessie mere minutes before leaving for Las Vegas to hook up with Natalie. Dave and Natalie admit that they are not in the same sort of relationship as Tenley and Kiptyn. But then he gets raked over the coals for being a himbo. Then Krisily starts hollering about something, but whenever Krisily talks I move to my happy place and hear bird songs instead of Krisily whining. Then Gia accuses Kiptyn of treachery and Michelle (who?) reminds the world that Disney princess Tenley spread the rumor that she was *shudder* sleeping with Fake Dean and will Never Forgive Her. Tenley apologizes, sort of. Michelle does NOT accept and the audience boos Michelle's anger, even though if someone accused me of sleeping with Fake Dean I would stab them in the neck and kick them in the babymaker and NEVER apologize.

Chris Harrison gives Natalie and Dave a chance to give the jury of their syphilitic peers their best argument for giving them the money. Natalie tells everyone that she wants to buy them all a puppy and then she wants to start a charity because her dad survived prostate cancer. Everyone ahhhhhhs and then it's Dave's turn. Dave mumbles something about trying to be true to himself and then Vampire Gwen rises up and points at him, "J'accuse!" She overhead him saying that anyone over 30 on a reality show is a loser. Obviously she is well over 30 and would kill him if she weren't contractually obligated not to. Juan seconds Gwen's argument, because he is 37 and is totally planning on being on reality shows for the remainder of his dotage. Dave shrugs that it's a personal choice, but the audience of 31-year olds has clearly turned against him.

Then it is Tenley and Kiptyn's turn. Tenley explains that she is a beautiful sparkly Disney princess who lost her home in the credit crisis and took her parents down with her. Now they are trapped in a bramble and can only be awoken by a prince's kiss or a $125,000 and a fixed rate mortgage. She really wants to pay her parents back. Nary a dry eye in the house after that speech. Kiptyn then makes up some crowd-pleasing shit about donating it all to charity. He's so boring he probably would, too. Then Juan asks Tenley how they hell she got to the top of this particular dung heap and before she can answer, Girl Jessie points out that Tenley won several competitions and almost won the pie eating contest. She ate pie! Caloric intake! On national television! That earns her a place at the top for sure. Don't discount women's work, you dick. Tenley thanks her for the vocal defense.

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Bachelor Pad

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