It is time to vote. Because this show is filmed in 1892, the votes are written on slates. To kill even more time votes are to be read out one at a time. Craig M. a.k.a. Fake Dean votes for Kiptyn and Tenley. He has helpfully footnoted that he fell for Kiptyn's charity bullshit. Jonathan a.k.a. The Weatherman also votes Kiptyn and Tenley. It could be a lock! Then Girl Jessie, Peyton, Peculiar Jesse and someone else (they all blur together) all vote for Dave and Natalie. Juan breaks their streak and Kiptyn and Tenley tie it up when Vampire Queen Gwen vote for them too. Ashley, Nikki, and Angry Michelle vote for Natalie and Dave. Eight votes win the money and Dave and Natalie have seven. It all comes down to Wes. He votes for Dave and Natalie! It was so heartwarming, too, because, you see, he and Dave used to be friends and then they had their big fight over Gia and haven't spoken since because they are girls in junior high. A quarter of a million dollars brings them back into each other's arms.
While you would think or at least really, REALLY hope that this damn show would be over, it is not. In a soul-crushing move, there is still another round of competition. It's like a whole new circle of hell. But even Dante couldn't have imagined an eternal treadmill filled with Bachelor/ette cast offs. Dante would be wearing a hair shirt and beating himself with a mace and begging for mercy. I am a lot tougher than Dante. Harrison announces that Dave and Natalie must spar for the final money. Sadly not in an Old West or even American Gladiator style of sparring. Instead they will simply have to think on camera. They do not look pleased. Harrison explains that they will each be escorted to private deliberation rooms where they will decide whether to keep or share the money. If they both pick share, they each get $125,000. If one picks keep and one picks share, the one who picked keep gets it all. The camera cuts to Fake Dean who looks like his is going to pee his panties at any moment. If they both pick keep then no one gets the money and it will be divided among the cast offs. Everyone 'Whoos!' and Weatherman and Juan run into each others' arms apparently thinking of the new Bosch dishwasher they could install in their love nest.
Suddenly, men in suits appear out of nowhere to escort Dave and Natalie to their deliberation rooms or, in my dreams, to some reality show version of The Hunger Games. Interspersed with shots of Natalie and Dave thinking hard, we get the brilliant suggestions and thoughts of their former housemates. Finally Chris Harrison gets word that they Natalie and Dave have made their final decisions. They shuffle out disappointingly not looking any worse for wear. They sit down on the couch and Dave reveals his answer: SHARE! Natalie stops the proceedings and asks if she can say something. Harrison says no. Which is funny. The audience is hissing in anticipation of seeing Natalie's vote. Harrison stretches the remaining minutes by re-stating the rules. Then he lets Natalie speak. She mumbles something about getting your friends as far as you can and then looking out for yourself. There's more hissing and then Natalie makes her Big Reveal: She's sharing the money, too! My how fittingly anti-climactic! Regardless of the lack of actual drama, Dave freaks out. He jumps over Natalie, runs for Melissa, hugs her to the point of almost popping the uncooked baby out, runs to Chris Harrison and kisses him full on the mouth (er, #nohomo?), high fives Kovacs and then eventually twirls Natalie around. Thus endeth Bachelor Pad . Apparently during the commercials Wes serenaded the audience. So not sorry we missed that. Didn't I suffer enough?