And then we go to Charlotte, and naturally I thought EMILY AND JEF BROKE UP ALREADY? But we're visiting with Blakeley, who she says is the woman not everybody liked from Ben's season. Not ringing a bell. Oh, right, the VIP "cocktail waitress." Well, she had some sort of epiphany while being on the show that she didn't want to be an escort or whatever now and wanted to get back to her first love of waxing assholes, because that's what she's doing now. She says she's on the show strictly for the money. She hopes some of the women from her season will be on, like Jaclyn. Cue shot of Jaclyn saying "she sucks" in reference to Blakeley.

So now we go to Jaclyn in New York, who says she's hoping to win some money and lose some friends. This nasty broad has friends? She says she and Blakeley aren't "besties" but "frenemies" and however old she is, she is too old to be speaking like that. There's a weird shot where Jaclyn watches a television screen on which is clearly SUPERIMPOSED footage of Blakeley, so Jaclyn can make cracks about Blakeley pole-dancing her way onto the show. She snottily says she has a college education, so clearly she's going farther than Blakeley.

Ugh, it's Kalon, in Houston. "I'm back," he says, after he pulls up in a sports car. This is why the parent shows play it straight: because when the contestants act like they're in on the joke, it's much, much worse than even pretend sincerity. Kalon's pretty sure all of America hates him. If it makes him feel better, all of Canada probably hates him too, at least those among us frostbacks who watch the show. The rest of us take no notice unless you are in the middle of trying to win the Stanley Cup,

Anyway, let's skip over Kalon as much as possible. If he's going to just say things like "Helicopter fuel is expensive" and "I'm going to ruin your fucking summer" what really is the point?

Anyway, let's meet the people who don't mind being known as a fan of The Bachelor/ette. There's Paige, watching the show with a friend, and saying she wants to sleep with Chris or Michael Staglea-- Stagli-- Stag-- she wants to sleep with Chris or Michael S.

Then there's Chris "SWAT", who's a SWAT officer. "I kick ass and take names," he tells us, while we watch a staged takedown so we can all be very impressed with his ass-kicking abilities. Then he lets us in on a secret, which is that he loves The Bachelor/ette. We knew that already, we didn't need to see Chris "SWAT" in his pajamas sipping wine and watching the show while candles burn relaxingly in the foreground. He's hoping to find true love in the Bachelor Pad, which makes me worry about his mental competence more than just about anything else he could have possibly said.