Now we have Donna, 22, who says she is MADE for Bachelor Pad and it is literally [sic] made for her, what with the "hot boys" and money. Donna's interests include working out and jiggling her breasts in half a dozen bikinis. She'll go far! And she wants to "hook up" with that Michael S. guy.

David is a Bachelor fan and has had dreams of going out with Lindzi and Blakeley. He always wanted to be on the show proper, but will settle for Bachelor Pad. He's an MMA fighter who calls himself "Kamikaze" (suuuuure it's your trainers who gave you that nickname, David) because maybe he's going to blow up everyone in the pad? That wouldn't suck.

Finally there are Erica and Brittany T., who are twins, and their hobbies include doing everything together, like watching the show and speaking in some form of half-English usually spoken by people half their age. They agree that Blakeley's fake boobs are intimidating, but it's OK because she's about to hit menopause. One of them says her worst nightmare is waking up next to Kalon. She chillingly says that like she doesn't have any control over whether that happens or not. And the reason it would be a nightmare is not that Kalon is a self-centred asshole, but that he has a "butt chin." Erica says she's a virgin but Brittany is "definitely not a virgin" and then suggests she could sleep her way to the $250,000 and Brittany calls that a plausible strategy and if you'll excuse me I have to go and remove my daughter from civilization forever. They know what's hot and what's attractive and who they want to have sex with, Brittany tells us. "Twins in the house! WHAAAT?" they say.

This show might just break me.

So the limo rides start up. Chris is the first to arrive, and he's excited to be in the mansion for the first time because "there's history in it." Dude, they have to hose it off between seasons and scour it with the strongest anti-bacterials on the market.