Erica R. goes crying to Michael and Kalon, who assure her that everything's going to be OK, giving her the confidence she needs to stroll out to the pool and drawl some barely junior-level insults at him. He is an "ugly loser" who doesn't deserve to be here, what with him being a fan.

And the fact that the cocktail party is starting with half-an-hour left means you know we're in for endless scheming. Michael amusingly gets giddy while explaining how the show works, while Chris gets his dander up at those uppity fans. "This is our house, our show," he tells us, forgetting he's actually been at the mansion exactly as long as the fans have. Reid and Paige agree to stick together, making it difficult on him when Michael tells him everyone's voting for Paige. It was either her or Donna, explains Michael, who kinda commendably doesn't bother to pretend the decision had to do with anything other than Donna's capita knockers, which she's promised to cover as little as possible during her time in the pad.

Everyone gathers in the courtyard for the rose ceremony, with Dave and the twins already immune. We're going to go through EVERYONE even though we already know who it's coming down to.

Anyway, the roses: Lindzi. Chris Eagle. Sarah. Ed. Rachel. Reid. Jaclyn. Michael. Jamie. Kalon. Blakeley. Ryan. Donna (saved by her breasts!). Tony. So there's one rose apiece for the men and the women. On the men's side, it's down to Nick and Chris SWAT, and on the women it's down to Paige and Erica.

...And it's Nick and Erica, so Chris SWAT and Paige have to say their goodbyes. Reid feels bad because he failed in his mission to get Paige to stay, and David finally feels like maybe he tipped his hand too early, and figures he might be next out the door. As for Paige and Chris SWAT? I say they're better off. First to be eliminated means your chances of infection are relatively small.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He now wishes he didn't always give The Bachelorette automatic Fs, because now he doesn't have a worse grade to give Bachelor Pad. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.