Bachelor Pad
Season 3, Episode 1

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First Impressions Are the Breast Ones

Chris Harrison strolls out onto the driveway of the titular Bachelor Pad to welcome everyone to the third season of this half-assed bankrupt-of-ideas ratings grab, where men and women who went on The Bachelor/ette to become famous, or "find love," left with their dignity thoroughly decimated, I mean "broken hearts." And because this show embraces its ridiculousness instead of pretending, like its parent shows, to be entirely sincere, Harrison lists all the different people we'll see tonight, like "the lover" and "the fighter" and "the one you love to hate" when really the only category is "the one you for-real hate".

And although you'd think with only two seasons under its belt this show wouldn't be tweaking with the formula already, but Harrison explains that some super-fans are going to be among the mix. What makes them super-fans is anybody's guess, but probably "utter lack of shame" is probably a key qualifier. "They may even hook up and fall in love with one of their favorite bachelor and bachelorettes," says Harrison, and he said "hook up" first because awww yeah these guys and gals are gonna be straight-up bumpin' uglies on the real, and also because no one has ever fallen in love on this show ever.

Then Harrison kicks it to some montages of some of the people who won't just go away already and are going to be on this show, because we can't get five minutes into a new season without it being A CLIP SHOW. And there's Chris, who tells us we "may remember" him from Emily's season, WHICH ENDED YESTERDAY, although maybe Chris just has a healthy appreciation for how quickly we should be able to forget his eagle-lookin' ass. He talks about having his heart broken by Emily but apparently he's getting over it, because he basically tells us he wants to nail Lindzi.

Spekaing of Lindzi, she was dumped by one of the Geico cavemen and apparently threw herself into her eye makeup. And there's Reid, the guy who kinda looks like Matthew Perry, who proposed to Jillian but got ditched in favor of Ed. And Ed is apparently going to be there, so sounds like it all worked out for him and Jillian. Reid says Ed better not cockblock him this time, because payback is a bitch.

There's Ed! "I won Jillian's heart," he says. He and the Canadian lasted about a year but there breakup had something to do with them still having "a lot of media going on," whatever THAT is supposed to mean, and he acknowledges that some of the stories in the tabloids were true, so let's just assume he banged everything he could stick his dick into. He says he's still definitely living the bachelor lifestyle, by which he means he's not married. Form an orderly queue, ladies.

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Bachelor Pad

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