Bachelor Pad
Season 3, Episode 2

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Twinning Isn't Everything

Good lord, do we have to start off with Erica? It takes her a million years to say anything, and when she's done, it wasn't worth the journey. She says David has a lot of "amending" [sic] to do because he tried to get her kicked off, which will not stand, because Dave is merely a fan and doesn't deserve to be here, unlike Erica who is important because ... well, because she did this first, of course. "I'm going to make his life miserable," she says. The best way to do this would probably be just to talk to him, as that's making me pretty miserable. Dave realizes it was tactical mistake to be so blatant about his intentions, but if he's sorely mistaken if he thinks anyone watching this is under the illusion contestants ever get chosen for their brains.

Meanwhile the twins, whose names are Courtney and Erica, are making a strong case for the eradication of all humanity with their arguing and crying. One of them -- I do not know which, and it surely doesn't matter -- accuses the other of calling her a "slut" four times. "You did it again, I cried," she says, many times. One of them threatens to leave, the other apologizes by blaming what she said on alcohol, and then they hug and a dress gets hiked up and we need black bars because I guess they don't wear underwear? Jaclyn calls them dumb: "I've never seen them communicate as normal people," she says. Blakeley says it's like watching Jerry Springer. Good god, if you're getting called out for being dumb and trashy by contestants on fucking Bachelor Pad, then you need to seriously reevaluate your life's choices.

It's a new morning, which means another visit from Chris Harrison who congratulates all of them for still being here and not succumbing to the hot tub herpes soup, I suppose. Chris wants to have sex with Jamie whilst not letting evil Blakeley know that he does, because he's Blakeley's partner, and Blakeley would very likely rip his head off if she found out, and I'm talking literally and yes, I know how to use that word properly.

What we get, outside, there are three rhythmic gymnasts performing a routine, which Harrison says is in honor of the Olympics, but since Bachelor Pad is on at its regular time instead of tape-delayed for six hours, they didn't really do it right. Anyway, the challenge is to perform a routine for some judges, and Erica R. is worried because she is not good at doing things.

Here's where I like the fact that the worst performer will get an automatic vote against them for the Rose Ceremony: it ensures that they have to try at least a little bit and will keep the gay panic to a minimum. They get juuusst enough laughing in at how ridiculous it is to make sure no one will accuse them of being, YOU KNOW, FRUITY, and then get down to the serious business of waving a ribbon around in the air. Dave in particular is taking it seriously, because he's worried about old money voting out the new money. On the women's side, Donna figures she has an advantage because she started doing gymnastics when she was eight. I do think that her boob job means her center of gravity has changed a LOT since then. Blakeley and Jamie are also performing well and are her chief competition.

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Bachelor Pad

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