Bachelor Pad
Season 3, Episode 2

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Twinning Isn't Everything

And then the contestants are shown the costumes they'll have to wear. Ah, there's the gay panic. I would encourage any of the contestants to watch gymnastics at the Olympics; they will see athletes who can kick their asses without breaking a sweat. Many of the women are equally dismayed by the outfits they have to wear, mainly because we're reminded you don't see a lot of gymnasts with breast augmentation. However! Once the women stop bitching and get on their leotards, they look rather cute. And then the men come out in their singlets and Sarah says she kept looking at their penises.

And the judges are Ashley and J.P., who have not broken up yet, which helps the Bachelor/ette/Pad franchise illustrate the maxim that even a stopped clock is right twice a day, and then a U.S. gymnastics Olympic medalist whose name I won't put here so that it doesn't turn up on Google searches because I'd hate for her kids to someday find out she was on Bachelor Pad, for any reason. Erica R. thinks it's outrageous that a gymnast should be judging gymnastics, I guess.

The women go first, and as much as I hate rhythmic gymnastics, I would easily rather watch people who are good at it. Reid calls it the least graceful thing he's ever seen, and Kalon can't believe how bad it is because all women have to be good at is shopping and gymnastics. Kalon's embracing of his supposed villain status is hilarious if only because of how much he and the show have overestimated how much people actually care.

Anyway, the men put the women to shame, which is too bad, given that the men still need to laugh while they're doing the electric worm and jumping through hula hoops and all that, because THEY'RE ALL MEN, DAMMIT. Donna says she'd like Mike to tie her up and then dance around her, and I really hope any parental figures watching Donna feel a deep sense of shame. (In all likelihood, though, they'd at least watch the twins and realize Donna's not the biggest embarrassment on the show.)

Given how much the show has not spent on Erica R. and Ed, it's not a big surprise that they're voted the worst performance. Apparently "ability to open mouth more than a millimeter" and "ability to stay sober" were respective factors for them. As for the best? Blakeley. She's excited, and says she'll definitely take Chris on the reward date (this is in contrast to Chris, who had said he would take Jamie or Donna, or anyone other than Blakeley, who has turned out to be a drag on super-stud Chris). The men's winner is Magic Mike, which seems to mean the women will be offering him sexual favors tonight? I'm not exactly sure how this program works yet.

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Bachelor Pad

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