Bachelor Pad
Season 3, Episode 4

Episode Report Card
admin: F | Grade It Now!
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Chris Me, Kill Me

The aftermath of Reid and Donna going home seems to have thrown the survivors for a bit of loop. Ed in particular speaks of his still being there as though he survived a heart attack and every day above ground is gift. Jaclyn's thrilled that Reid was vanquished. She thinks he's sooo stupid that she calls him "Like, Dummy McDumberstein," like she's going to be hosting a Mensa meeting any day now.

And David is the last fan left. He discusses with Jamie who "went rogue" to vote Donna off, but Jamie's playing her cards close to the chest, because there's no one here she can trust. Dave offers to save her if he wins a challenge, and he hopes she'll do the same thing. She's noncommittal at best.

Harrison walks in to talk to everyone (Jaclyn helpfully explains to us that HARRISON WALKS IN TO TALK TO EVERYONE AFTER WE SEE IT, like is there any goddamn reason in the world for this show to be two fucking hours like SPEED IT UP PLEASE). Harrison reminds them that there are still fourteen of them left in this affront to human dignity we know as Bachelor Pad.

One of Harrison's minions walks in with some surveys for them to answer. Jaclyn, being some sort of super-genius, figures they'll have something to do with the challenge tomorrow. The questions are "Who's the ugliest?" "Who's the fattest?" and other such questions, the answers to which contestants are all too happy to volunteer during talking-head interviews, but balk at when it requires to WRITE THEM DOWN, like maybe this should be called Illiterate Pad. "What kind of sick joke is this?" says someone. That really should be the show's slogan.

After the commercial break, it's the next day and we get some ersatz game show music while the contestants file outside to the crappy "GAMESHOW MASHUP" set, which looks like it was designed by the person who got the worst score at a seventh-grade science fair.

Michael figures this is about to get emotional, and he's seen this happen before. Translation: People are going to get pissed off very, very quickly.

The women head to their buzzers first and are quick to answer questions about Rihanna and various iterations of The Bachelor franchise. Sarah quickly jumps to a big lead, and Blakeley takes cranky note of the fact that her supposed partner Chris is cheering just a little too loudly for Sarah. This might be example No. 546 of Chris being a terrible human being.

And now the scores can really change in the "Who Said That?" round! Jaclyn says she "peed herself" when she heard the name of the round. The first question: Who said, "The person in the house that has accomplished the most in life is me. I'm amazing." Everyone but Rachel guesses Ed (she guesses Kalon), so everyone but Rachel is wrong. (Although I'm willing to bet Kalon said it too.)

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Bachelor Pad




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