Bachelor Pad
Season 3, Episode 5

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
Deus Ex Bachelor Pad

So the players have to carry cups and saucers between tables, adding one each time, and the first one to successfully carry six cups and saucers is the winner. I'm not sure how long ago the Hot Sludge Fundae was, but it's not so long ago that Jaclyn should be unable to remember it and call it "Sludge Dude Judgment Day." Can't wait until she complains that an activity that requires the use of a brain means anyone who has one has an unfair advantage. Meanwhile, Erica whines that they haven't had any activity that would utilize her skills, like maybe there will be a "Whose Mouth Moves The Least When She Talks" competition that she can kick ass in.

OH MY GOD HOW LONG CAN YOU SHOW PEOPLE CARRYING CUPS AND SAUCERS. It takes FOREVER, and eventually comes down to Blakeley versus Sarah, but Sarah cheats by touching her stack on the home stretch and getting disqualified. "Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel," she says, with absolutely zero trace of irony. So Blakeley wins. Chris thinks this is the worst thing that could have happened to him, so let's all take a moment to feel sorry for Chris.

Sarah now hopes Chris wins so he can take her on a date, save her, which would not only keep her in the house but would also stick it to Blakeley. Real nice of Sarah to want to stick it to Blakeley, who deserves it because she ... happened to trust Chris early? Nice, Sarah.

Both Chris and Sarah are also pissed about Blakeley coaching Tony. "She's over the top and can't keep her mouth shut ever," says Chris, with complete un-self-awareness. Although I'd like to point out that Blakeley's "coaching" seems to consist entirely of saying "Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!" over and over again, which is genius strategy right there. Tony wisely heeds her advice to keep going, and winds up winning, so he and Blakeley will each get to pick someone for a one-on-one date.

So this episode has been non-stop Chris moaning about how things could not be going worse, and that's happening again. Fortunately Chris Harrison comes in (which is a weird thing to type) to find out who Blakeley's taking on a date. She picks Tony, but since Tony already has a rose, she gets to pick someone else to give a rose to. She picks Kalon, so that becomes the new "worst possible thing" to happen to him.

Then Harrison announces Blakeley can choose which date -- No. 1, not overnight, and No. 2, overnight -- and she picks the second one because she figures "overnight" means Vegas and jets and whatnot, even though the dates on Bachelor Pad have been pretty damn low-rent so far.

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Bachelor Pad




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