Thanks to Couch Baron for the last-minute pinch-hit last week! Right off the bat we're told this will be the "most shocking, most disturbing" finale in Bachelor Pad history, a history that dates back all the way to 2010. Remember then? Barack Obama was president back then, nobody was doing the Charleston... That's too far back! These clips look awful. There are backstage scenes of people swearing at each other, and standing ovations, and a "stunning turn of events."
I thought this was supposed to be live? I guess it was just recorded live. Chris Harrison strolls out to the cheering throngs and wonders aloud what it would be like to win a quarter-million dollars, and it's really annoying to keep switching between the stuff he's saying live and the stuff that was clearly recorded after the fact, like this weird voiceover has him saying "Trust me when I say tonight is going to be insane" and you'd think ABC could throw enough money at this show so that the finale didn't seem so rinky-dink.
Anyway, Harrison reminds everyone how the show worked, for all those people who might just be watching the finale having never seen the show. There are two couples left: Nick and Rachel, and Chris and Sarah. In a long enough scale -- one that encompasses all of human history, say -- Chris isn't the worst person alive, but he's in the discussion, right?
Then Harrison introduces the former contestants, some of whom I forgot existed. There was a Paige on this show? Sadly, there has not been enough time to burn the twins from my brain. Harrison reminds them that they have an important role on the show, which is to be fodder for the rancor or to vote on which couple advances to the final.
We have two hours to kill, so Harrison decides to ask the losers what things were like in the Pad, and we'll just take it as given that things were syphilitic and gonorrhea-y, so we don't need to get into it. Blakeley says it was fun, but then it wasn't. Michael says last time was crazy, this time was crazy with more alcohol. I know that's a lot to handle. Harrison keeps using terms like "the first time ever" which, again, it's THE THIRD SEASON.
Then we watch some "highlights," which is probably not the best word, but it's much shorter than "scenes from previous episodes." Hey, remember when the show made it look like someone grabbed a knife and was going to stab someone? They show it the exact same way again, same ominous music, even though, sadly, no one was stabbed, not even Chris. (Yet.) There is discussion of lying and what a "dirty, fucking game" this is, as if there are any kind of real-life consequences for what happens on this show. The last clip is when Ed and Chris yelled at each other and Ed threw his glass.