Bachelor Pad

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A+ | 888 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Mean Girls

Peculiar Jesse and all-American girl Peyton head out on their date. As these dates all do, they head off in a limo with champagne glasses raised. Turns out they are riding in a bi-plane. That's right, a plane with no top, but they do get spiffy little leather helmets, which will certainly protect them when the plane does a loop-de-loop and they fall out and DIE. Peculiar Jesse is screaming like a little boy in excitement (not fear, I think) and Peyton thinks it is so fun and adorable, but I am pretty sure that would get extremely annoying really quickly. When they land, Peyton and Jesse compare their country upbringings. Peyton then admits that her favorite foods are the rather un-L.A., yet highly admirable, corn dog and funnel cake. To Jesse that sounds like foreplay so he gives her the rose right that very second. Peyton then mixes him a martini and offers him a blowjob to prove she would make a great wife. Unfortunately this is Peculiar Jesse's first martini ever, and he gets increasingly sloppy drunk as he double fists Baby's First Martini and a glass of champagne. He burps in her face, tries to pick her nose, and then mixes his liquor. I told you he was Peculiar! The date quickly devolves into sibling style bickering and, at least for Peyton, the romance and her lady bits dry up faster than an Ozark oil well. Back at the Herpes Hacienda, Krisily has realized everyone hates her and she needs someone to love her. She chooses Dave. Back in the not-at-all romantic airplane hangar where the two are decidedly not canoodling, Peculiar Jesse pulls out the fantasy suite card and Peyton turns him down flat. Jesse doesn't get it, but Peyton is firm: OH HELLS NO. And you can't really blame her. So they head home and everyone gives them the hoary WTF? eye. But Peyton is a lady and doesn't tell.

It's Strategy Morning! Tenley and Kiptyn discreetly cuddle and talk strategy. Tenley thinks Gwen or Krisily will be next. The single ladies talk strategy. Krisily, Peyton and Ashley think Kovacs is the best option for ouster. Wes points out that he is all strategy, all the time. He lives strategy, he breathes strategy, he thinks strategy. Bachelor Pad is his job. That Wes, decreasing the unemployment numbers one reality show at a time. President Obama should give him a medal or something. Elizabeth and Kovacs talk strategy, which is mostly: Don't let Kovacs get voted off. Elizabeth nods doubtfully.

Bachelor Pad

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