Bachelorette
Bachelorette

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: C- | 278 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
The Muppets, The Famewhores, And Me

Chris, our "Corporate Sales Director," picks up the card Harrison left and talks about how things just got "real," and I'm surprised the universe didn't implode upon hearing that word used with this show in any capacity. Why he got chosen to read the card suggests that "charisma" was not a deciding factor, but after a douchey interview during which he begs the card to have his name on it, he announces the date -- for Ryan. "Be my king in the queen city... Emily." I don't know what any of that, including the ellipsis, means, nor do I know what a "Pro Sports Trainer" is, but that's Ryan. He drawls something about how his pastor always gave him the best advice when it came to women, and I hope for his sake he doesn't consider that first-date conversation. Kalon, the resident villain, says that Ryan either will come back with a rose or won't come back at all, so at least he was paying attention, I guess.

Many shirtless dudes hang by the pool, brewskis in hand, and it sounds great on paper but no, although I might want to hang out with the guy who forgets to pretend he's excited when Emily appears. Ryan, whose stupid hair and silly t-shirt with black pants makes me think his suitcase is staying with him, is the victim of an edit mentioning steroids, which I'm not seeing from his body, at least. We then get the first mention of Brad, and I'm not sure how ready Emily is for marriage if she can't get past the ten-minute mark without mentioning that idiot, and then in the SUV, they keep looking at each other, and Emily, I hope you keep your eyes on the road more when you're driving around that daughter who's so important to you. They pull up to Emily's house, and the "date" starts with them bringing groceries inside, whereupon Emily tells them they're going to make cookies. Just so you know I'm not one thousand percent jaded, Ryan is a fine sport about the whole thing, and Emily seems appreciative. He also notes that the date is probably actually somewhat indicative of what their day-to-day life could be like, and despite the fact that they probably wouldn't both be home during the day I'm finding myself kind of agreeing with that thought, so obviously I need to beat myself over the head with a bat immediately.

Oh, this'll do -- the other guys are at the house talking about how hot Emily looked in plain clothes and wondering if Ryan's going to meet the daughter, and one of the dudes with kids says no way. Predictable cut to Emily and Ryan pulling up to daughter Ricki's soccer field, but Emily makes Ryan wait in the car while she drops off the cookies. Back in the car, Emily thanks Ryan for his indulgence, and then tells him they're going to dinner.

Bachelorette

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