Emily's getting ready in her dressing room when the guys show up to the theater, and she tells them that they're going to be performing -- singing, dancing, comedy, and you can just say "variety show," Emily, we won't tell anyone. Charlie is apparently terrified of performing, which is pretty funny given that he's already on national TV, but Emily goes on that they're raising money for a local children's hospital, and I'm not really sure where the money's coming from but I'm sure I won't have to look hard to find things to complain about that don't involve charitable giving. John, the Data Destruction Dude, talks about how the competition is going to be "fierce," and at this point that word is so tired among us gays that he's welcome to it.
Alessandro looks like a really friendly and enthusiastic member of the canine community as Emily says she brought some "friends" with her, and then a curtain opens to reveal Kermit and Miss Piggy, whom my editor was kind enough to warn me about in advance. I mean, much like Tony, I loved the Muppets as a kid, but the only thing this is going to do for me is change my contention that they peaked in terms of overexposure when they appeared on billboards for Values.com. Tony then does a Kermit voice that's so embarrassing that it almost circles all the way back around to being awesome, but not quite. Miss Piggy talks about how hard up she is, and then the guys get to work rehearsing dancing, singing, etc. God, Fozzie Bear is there coaching them on stand-up, and then John talks about how they're going to have to do something extremely embarrassing, like that's totally and exclusively in the future.
Oh, Charlie's the one who had the accident, so he's got some problems speaking, which is what's causing his stage fright. Okay, another topic I can't make fun of this. He goes in to explain to Emily how he might not be able to do comedy because of his disabilities and the attendant insecurities, and Emily kindly tells him that she never would have guessed he had any speech problems before reassigning him to singing. Of course, if he knew how the other guys were going to do with the comedy, he probably wouldn't be so worried.
Emily gamely goes through some bullshit with Kermit and Miss Piggy, whom I don't think are being voiced by their first team, and then Charlotte once again makes me worry about it by filling up the theater, including Emily's daughter and mother. Guys in tuxedos and top hats make fools of themselves, including our "Party MC" Stevie. Chris Harrison subs in for Waldorf, which is the biggest travesty of the evening, at least until the stand-up "comedy" five seconds later. I wouldn't mention "Miss Piggy Live," except Charlie kills it for this show, so that's nice. He's never going to make it.