Bachelorette
19 Remaining Bachelors

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The Muppets, The Famewhores, And Me

Emily says she's nervous because Joe looks like Matthew McConaughey, which aside from the hair is patently untrue, and then Joe tells us he has no idea where they're going but it doesn't matter, and how do the contestants unfailingly come up with such original material? He says he won't know what he did wrong if he gets cut after spending "X amount of hours with her," and look, I didn't make him use "amount" when he meant "number," but if he's looking for a reason why he gets sent home I'd start there. Joe gets brought to the airport, which will be convenient if the date doesn't go so well, and Emily informs him that they're going to her home state of West Virginia. If Joe sings "Country Roads" in response, it doesn't make the final edit.

Emily takes Joe to The Greenbrier, a fancy resort with a pretty famous golf course, from what I understand. Meanwhile, the guys back in Charlotte talk about the possibility of taking on a woman with a child, and it's nice that they're discussing it, I guess, but when Kalon offhandedly opines that Dad Doug put being a dad on hold to come on the show, that leads to Dad Doug telling Kalon to "just check it" about a billion times, and while we all hate Kalon, obvs, I'm not sure Dad Doug's utter defensiveness means Kalon's point is completely invalid. In other words, of all the myriad reasons to get on Kalon's case, that's pretty far down the list, show.

Nationwide won't be on my side until they hire actors who can hit a note.

Apparently Emily coming down a spiral staircase is "the most romantic thing [Joe has] ever seen," which explains why Emily lets us know she's probably going to be booking him on a plane that skips Charlotte. She gives him the "where do you see yourself in five years" question, which has to be death, and he has no answer and this is just painful to watch, even before Emily points to the "love clock" on the wall, into which you're supposed to drop a note about love, or something. Joe's is really sweet, and he's going home, but at least Emily feels bad about it, and tries not to break down as she tells him it's not going to happen. He's pretty hurt, I think, and takes off, which probably is for the best, given the ironic fireworks that go off five seconds later. Emily's shaken but says she trusts herself, and it's good that she's feeling so strong given that she has to eliminate a billion and one other dudes before this is over.

Alejandro talks about how Joe's departure signaled that the rest of them need to step it up, and I love how they all act like people going home is optional. Emily then turns up and talks about how amazingly hilarious Joe was, which I guess is the signal to the rest of them not to make jokes, and after the "comedy" with the Muppets I sort of can't blame her. Emily then takes Arie aside and talks about everyone's favorite conversational topic, Scottsdale, before Arie tells her he dated a woman with two kids once. They guys then get crazy when they see Ryan talking to Emily, since Ryan ALREADY HAS A ROSE! How dare he! With Tony watching, Ryan gives Emily a letter, and Emily talks about how awkward this must be for Tony, but he could, you know, STEP AWAY. Emily reads the thing out loud, and God help me, it's kind of awesome, especially since it's so comically long that it merits a commercial break. I do think Ryan is overselling a bit, given how well the date went, and Emily seems to agree, and then Tony FINALLY gets to tell Emily that he has a son, and the way she's like "Oh, how interesting" doesn't bode well for Tony in my opinion.

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Bachelorette

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