Bachelorette
"A Group Date at a Dude Ranch"

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Everybody Farts

Over dinner, she asks what the most romantic thing is he's ever done for a girl. He talks about packing up a picnic basket and hanging out by Lake Ontario. Very awkward small talk ensues, about shooting stars, and how it's mostly space junk, and tumbleweeds start rolling by.

Meanwhile, back at the guest house, the guys are speculating about Richard's chances of coming home with a rose, which Jesse pins at about ninety-five percent.

Group date time! Brian, Shawn, Jesse, Graham, Fred, Robert, Twilley, Ron, Paul and Jeremy are the victims -- I mean, "lucky guys." "Get along, city slickers. It's time to leave L.A. behind," read the cards. All the guys start high-fiving each other as if they know what the hell that means. In a talking-head, Jason notes that he's the only one not on the list, so he's finally going to be able to tell DeAnna about his son. Which is kind of disingenuous in that he's had opportunity before; he just hasn't used it.

Meanwhile, back at dinner, DeAnna and Richard make mind-numbingly boring small talk about working jobs for happiness versus money. "This is probably the most romantic date I've ever been on," Richard says in a talking-head. Things take kind of a turn, though, when he admits to DeAnna that he's never brought a girlfriend home, and that he usually keeps relationships secret from his parents. Red flag! "I'm very close, extremely close to my family," he explains. Well, "explains" isn't exactly the right word for it. "The clock is ticking, and I have to make a decision," says DeAnna, in one of those weird after-the-fact talking heads where she already knows what happened but is pretending like this is happening in real time or something.

Date going well. Body language. Richard's working on the 80-20 rule; he's going to lean in eight percent of the way, and see if she comes in the other twenty percent. Or, he gets eighty percent creepier with the staring and the romance talk, while DeAnna seems to become about twenty percent as interested.

"I could tell that Richard was really falling for me," says DeAnna, which isn't conceited or anything, and then she takes Richard outside for some kind of electric carriage horror-show ride, because if she doesn't get all horny for him there, then it's not going to happen for them, she says, although not exactly in those words. The dramatic music starts up "And that's when I knew," she says.

She asks the carriage driver to pull over. His face goes kind of flat. "I came here tonight with this rose, and I can't give it to you." She fakes crying and tells him that it's breaking her heart not to give it to him, but she has to make the right decision. She hugs him. "I need to let you go right here," she says. "I understand," he says. This is like a scene out of Goodfellas. Morrie's about to get his neck cut! He wishes her luck, and then he's kicked off into the taxi that's conveniently right there. DeAnna voices over some nonsense about how hard it was, or whatever. "I can't make the same mistake that Brad did," she says. Brad's mistake was going on this show in the first place, so it's too late for that.

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