Bachelorette
"A Group Date at a Dude Ranch"

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Everybody Farts

And so, because the two of them opened up to each other and are now all bonded, she gives him a rose, and then the roof opens up so they can look at the stars. "It was literally something you'd only see in a movie," says Jason. What, stars? What the hell or you talking about? Then, to prove they're looking at the stars, we look at still photographs of stars. I swear to god. He asks if it would be inappropriate to kiss her, and she says no. So they do.

Isn't two hours up yet?

The next day, DeAnna says, "I'm taking them to meet someone very special to me," says DeAnna. Is it Brad? I bet it's Brad.

Oh, "surprise!" They're going to Ellen Degeneres's show, because DeAnna wants Ellen's opinion on them. Fred in particular seems amazed to be there. Which is weird, because being from Chicago, he can go see Springer any time he wants. Ellen and DeAnna chat, and then the guys come out, and Ellen politely pretends that she cares if DeAnna gets married, after having watched her on The Bachelor. "I watched you get screwed, basically ... or not," she jokes. Oh, I bet it was the former, Ellen. She asks the guys what they like about her, and who kissed her, and how the guys feel about someone else kissing her, what the longest relationship any of them have had was, et cetera. Then there might have been a dance-off, but I could have been hallucinating, because that couldn't have been dumber.

"What you don't know, is that I'm giving the rose today," says Ellen, who sends the guys away so she can look over DeAnna's sorry choices. She suggest going "eenie meenie miney moe," which I guarantee would work just as well as anything DeAnna has planned. Apparently Fred opened up, which either we didn't see or I blocked it out. "Graham is scared to death," points out Ellen. "I know. I don't know how to make that stop," says DeAnna, who up till now has not said anything about Graham being scared to death. "Ellen put a lot of things in perspective for me," she says. Ellen points at one guy, whom we don't see, and says, "I don't see him lasting too long."

She calls the guys back out, and says they need to see what they look like in Ellen boxers. So they all drop their pants for some "wacky hijinks" because they all have on "Ellen boxers." And now it's time for the rose -- she's got a CD player with the crappy rose ceremony music playing, which actually cracked me up. Eventually, Fred gets the rose, which he calls a "huge shock." "I like the way you've opened up. Keep it that way," orders DeAnna, who tells us again how awesome Ellen is. Why is Ellen awesome? Well, because DeAnna thinks that DeAnna's impending nuptials are important to Ellen. "Don't get hurt again," says Ellen, looking like she has other places to be.

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Bachelorette

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