Bachelorette
"A Group Date at a Dude Ranch"

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Everybody Farts

Next up: DeAnna spirits Jason away outside, because she's got something for him, because she appreciates his honesty. Because it's lovely to continue to treat the existence of a child as something that requires a confession. "I had a star named after Tyler," she says, and he unrolls a certificate that says so. Aw. Well, that is kind of sweet. "That is one of the nicest things anyone's ever given me," he says. He genuinely seems floored, if not overly emotionally so. She says she wanted him to know that she's OK with it all. He kisses her and thanks her.

Chris Harrison comes in to harsh everyone's mellow, and takes DeAnna away to help her make her decision. You know what that means: postcard sentiments over the top of soft-focus scenes of DeAnna interacting with all these dingbats. Life's too short to recap this time-filling nonsense, although it's worth noting that she isn't sure if Asshole means the things he says or he's just saying the things he thinks she wants to hear. I'm not sure she actually knows the difference, to be honest with you. She stares at the pictures and says she knows that she has to send home the guys that she doesn't "see forever" with, and that's very hard to do.

Rose ceremony! She thanks the guys for putting their lives on hold for her or whatever. And here's who stays: Twilley. Jesse. Jeremy (Asshole cocks an eyebrow). Brian. Graham. Final rose goes to Sean, who lets his breath out in relief. Did he get a haircut? He looks a little more like modern-day Kurt Russell as opposed to Tango & Cash-era Kurt Russell. Paul looks like he doesn't even know where he is. Asshole looks like his usual angry self.

Paul says he came on the journey to find true love, and he decided to put his heart on his sleeve, because that's the only way it can be genuine and true. He says he's confused: was it him or was she just looking for something different? Isn't that the same thing? Meanwhile, Asshole is in smug self-denial. "I don't feel rejected, I don't feel like I lost," says Asshole. "Sometimes the tree gets knocked down before it bears its fruit," he says. What the hell tree is that? "I didn't get rejected. She just chose other guys." It probably makes sense to him. I hope it makes sense to someone.

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Bachelorette

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