Bachelorette
A Very Very Very Fine House

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A Room of One's Own

Russ. It's a photo of a sunset he took on a mountain. Is there a more cliché photographic image than sunset on a mountain to communicate your love? And if they're together next year? Babies in tires! Babies in flowerpots! A cat that thinks we should all "hang in there!"

Charlie. It's a card. Meh. At least maybe a check will fall out? She opens a small gift wrapped in tissue paper to find a small silver frog with a gold crown. Absolutely no reason why.

Trista voices over that she was "completely surprised" by the guys' gifts, and calls all of them "great." In the video messages, Rhymin' thanks Trista for coming to Colorado, Greg tells her he had the best time in New York "yesterday," so I'm guessing his date was last in reality? Russ is this victor of this week's "and he looks like Blossom!" bucket hat competition, standing in that park where Mike Myers suggested that we "dance like children of the night" in So I Married an Axe Murderer. Charlie calls her "adorable" and lies that his family really liked her. Yeah. I totally roll my eyes at people I really like and respect also. All the time. Actually, come to think of it, I totally, totally do.

Chris calls the guys "fellas" again when he places the roses on the table, and explains again that one of the guys will not be receiving a rose. He then tells us, "I'll go get Trista," but with the amount of talking they've let him do this week and the obvious physical strain of trying in vain to correctly pronounce "birthday," what comes out of his mouth sounds an awful lot like, "Have a good Trista." Well, you too, buddy.

Chris accompanies her back down, and Trista gives her usual speech about "creativity and thoughtfulness," but most of all, "I want to thank all of you for introducing me to your families." Okay! We know! We've seen it! We even know how it ends! Hurry up!

Ryan, will you accept this rose? Yes. Because the fire is raging! The one in his heart. The only fire Vail has, in truth, ever seen.

Charlie, will you accept this rose? Spoiler! Oh, wait. He hasn't won the whole thing. Yet.

Russ, will you accept this rose? Russ just kicked a New York apartment's ass for the final rose. Why? Because he's infested with less vermin? Well, in Trista's mind, anyway.

In the limo out of Dullsville, a not-weepy-enough Greg tells us, "If I'm not the guy, then I'm not the guy. That's it. The fact that I'm not the guy hurts in that I guess I'll never get the chance to show Trista who I can be. Who I truly am." Back inside, the three remaining men toast Trista, Rhymin' cleverly remembering to add on one more "happy birthday." See you next week, y'all. Have a good Trista, everyone.

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