Bachelorette
A Very Very Very Fine House

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A Room of One's Own

No, shut up. "Speaking of that Rose Ceremony" (we weren't and only you were and shut up shut up shut UP), "it's also Trista's birthday." Except that he pronounces it "birt-tay" and sounds like every meathead I went to high school with who thought that consonant blends were for sissies and that the "g" of "Long Island" should be sounded with as much emphasis as the glottis would allow. He advises them, "Don't be stupid. Show up with something." Rhymin', Gnarly, Greg Gambino, and Satan all share an awkward laugh at Chris's "chiding" "humor," Greg Gambino secretly thinking, "It's pronounced 'some-ting,' you moron." Chris (natch) continues, "You guys get your stuff, your cars are waiting, I'll meet you out front." We'll see him again soon, then? Oh, thank goodness. The separation anxiety was threatening to make me crippled by a feeling of -- what's that one word again? Ah, yes -- "glee to be rid of you."

Gnarly, clad in a pink button-down and wearing his orange knapsack over one shoulder, is one junior high school hallway from getting his ass kicked as he comments in an interview, "I think bringing Trista home will just kind of solidify some of the thoughts she already has about me. I think, if anything, I'm more excited at this stage because bringing a girl such as Trista back to your family is an important step in any relationship." Guh? Syntax police, arrest that man! I'm not even going parse that sentence (which appears to mean, "In any relationship, anywhere, ever, when you're at the point of bringing a prospective mate home to meet your family, instead bring a girl with blonde hair who used to be a Miami Hear dancer"), and I will instead note that there's nothing more romantic when bringing home the girl of your dreams than the words "contractually obligated by Next Entertainment in conjunction with Telepictures Productions." Fit that on one of those Necco Valentine hearts, why don't you?

Dude, why does the subtitle for Greg Gambino still have the "T" on his last name? He's the only Greg there is. Maybe it stands for "teamster." Over in Greg's room, he crams some random sundries in a suitcase, and out rolls...a football? Maybe it's the only vessel in which he can conceal the severed head of Jimmy Hoffa. In the absence of any real personality traits, I had to suddenly make Greg a total mob boss just because he's an "Importer" of some vaguely olive-skinned ethnicity. He tells the camera, "When I woke up this morning and I realized I was still here, I was definitely excited, y'know?" Oh, totally. Since you asked.

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Bachelorette

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