Are there really this many people in the studio audience who are non-ironically happy to be at After the Final Rose? I wonder how many of them were ashamed to tell friends and family where they were going tonight. Probably a lot.
Your host, Chris Harrison, makes some noise about how this is the most whatever season with the most something finale in recorded history, as he usually does, and then he says all of the principal culprits from last night will be here to talk about it, only by "here" he means "on this show" and not "before a tribunal investigating televised crimes against humanity."
And then it looks like we're starting off with yet another edition of Molly and Jason are So Happy and That's the Most Important Thing so Suck It, Haters, and Harrison lies to us and says they're "planning a wedding," which really only means that they haven't broken up yet.
And then Melissa comes out to tell her story, and her hair is super long, and she looks different, somehow, like a human version of when a record sounds overproduced, you know? She looks a few years older, instead of a few months. She's less freckly. I like freckles! And Melissa seems surprised that the audience remembers her, and it seems like a lot of the audience might think about nothing other than the various people on this show. Harrison says you can't fall from their "good graces" that quickly, and the reality is these people would applaud Hitler if Hitler had been a contestant on this show.
And then we watch the whole breakup, which we should all be happy to watch, because as Mesnick reminded us last week, this is actually how he made Melissa happy. The little picture-in-picture seems to suggest that Melissa's still not too impressed.
Harrison asks her what it's like watching that, and she says it seems like "forever ago." Her teeth have definitely been done. She's got two rows of bright white Chiclets. And then Harrison says "Dancing With the Stars" and everyone applauds, and then she says "incredible journey." Harrison says he visited her on the set of that show several times, and met a friend of hers, Ty, who is more than a friend now -- they're actually engaged. "What's next for you?" asks Harrison. Melissa says the "sky's the limit," instead of "I'm running out of reality shows to go on, so probably obscurity." Harrison prods Melissa into saying that Jason did the right thing, and Melissa looks like maybe the producers have her parents at gunpoint backstage as she says, "yes."