Bachelorette
After the Final Rose

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Every Rose Has its Thorns

Roberto and Ali! Sitting in a tree! Forever! Or at least for the last few months since the shooting wrapped. And now it's after the rose! And Chris Harrison is waiting on stage for the television viewing audience to quit watching the happy couple make out. He calls Ali out to join him. She is looking lovely in a white dress that is totally squishing her boobs out of existence like her dress is the Borg and her boobs are finding resistance futile.

But more interesting, yes, Ali is still wearing her engagement ring. But, before we can see the happy reunion of the happy couple, we have to sit through a post mortem of the whole Frank Fiasco. I don't know what Ali ever saw in that shiny-faced schizoid basement dweller and, based on the look on Ali's face as she watches the montage of their time together, she doesn't know what she saw in him either. The difference between Roberto and Frank is like wanting steak and eating wax beans. Frank is approximately one eighth of the man Roberto is. Roberto has dimples! And an accent! And dreamy eyes! Frank lives in his parents' house pretending to be following a dream of going to Hollywood, but really just polishing his forehead and waiting for fame to find him.

Quick aside: Ali's eye make up is too heavy handed and makes her look like she collects fat in her eyelids. Chris Harrison wants to know if Ali would have given Frank a rose at the final Tahitian Rose Ceremony if he had stayed? Would Chris have been kicked off earlier if Frank had stayed? Ali claims she has no way of knowing that. Her date with Frank could have sucked! Frank could have cried! Or pulled out his hair and curled up in a fetal position in the corner and needed to have Ali rub his tummy and fetch his Xanax inhaler. Anything could have happened. Ali is nice about it and claims that she doesn't think Frank set out to do anything harmful. He probably just came on the show to see what would happen and was surprised to find that he had feelings for Ali. After a while he realized he had unresolved feelings towards his ex. Ali gets that. She thinks he's an ass, but she gets it.

Chris Harrison than breaks the big news: Frank refused to show up. He just wouldn't come on the show. Ali is stunned. Heck, I'm stunned. I mean, THEY PROMISED. We didn't get him last week when The Men Explained it All with the understanding that we would get him here this week soiling the After the Final Rose and dulling Ali's rosy glow with his sad sack self and lame excuses. I get that Frank is just over this whole reality TV thing, but still. Closure! I needs it! Ali pouts, but then remembers that she has Roberto and shrugs. Who is going to whine about Frank when Roberto is waiting backstage? No one.

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