Bachelorette
After the Final Rose

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One Ring to Fool Them All

Things I could have done today instead of spending three hours watching The Bachelorette: Marathon Finale: Run my town's longstanding ten-mile race. Watched the entire first season of Frisky Dingo. Slept. Read a couple of Hardy Boys books. Fixed the pocket door in the kitchen that's not working right.

Anyway, you get the idea.

Harrison welcomes Emily to the stage as the audience cheers, maybe because they hope to feel actual love for real people someday. Harrison tells her she looks great. She's wearing much less eye makeup, it's true. He tells her she looks "in love." And she says she is, and then she cheers the crowd cheering her.

Harrison asks her about what it is about "Jef" that she loves. HILARIOUSLY, Emily says she could talk all about his great qualities, but instead it's about he makes her feel, which is the most important thing. She's going to say a lot of amusing things, like the ring could have been a piece of tape around her finger, for all she cares.

Harrison brings up Arie, and Emily acknowledges that she could stand to be more direct, but she really did fall in love with Arie, and she says that like it matters. Hopefully enough time has passed for Emily to forgive Arie for making her feel bad for dumping him.

After the commercial break, Harrison brings Arie out. It's the first time he and Emily have seen each other since Cura├žao, if that's anything anyone cares about. Harrison asks Arie if he has anything he wants to ask Emily. But I think Arie heard, "Do you have any daytime-television self-help nonsense you want to aimlessly babble in Emily's general direction for a few minutes?" Because that's what happens. Harrison does his best to steer the babblings into something resembling coherence.

Arie asks Emily what she wants to say to Arie, and she says she's sorry. "I've learned I need to be more direct, for sure," she says. She says she "had more confidence" in what she and "Jef" have. Well, so much for being more direct! Just saying "I love 'Jef'"! Oh, but that would mean exposing the fiction that this show perpetuates that you can be in love with more than one person at a time (and that it is romantic).

And then we learn that Arie bought a ticket to Charlotte so he could talk to Emily and get some closure, off-camera, but it turns out that when he got there, he thought it would be a bad idea, by which I assume he means that he met a flight attendant en route and decided to spend his time in Charlotte banging her instead of mooning over Emily.

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