Des is moving to Seattle this weekend. She loves bending to a man's will, what can she say. They got their own place, since Chris is in real estate or whatever, and now I can stalk them and leave them flowers from Pike Place Market. Speaking of unexpected gifts, Chris has a new dumb poetry present for Desiree. He dried all the roses from the ceremonies and framed them around a lame poem called "My Girl." How obnoxious is that to frame your own amateur poetry? Ugh, whatever. Just go away and leave me alone and let me know where you live so I can stop by and say hey.
Chris Harrison teases us with the promise of a new Bachelor yet again before a commercial break. Bachelor Nation needs something to live on for the next many months, they've been sitting in those chairs for so long.
Chris Harrison says Bachelor fans across the nation have made it very clear who they want it to be, and based on the editing, I'm expecting Zak W. But no, those aren't the overly-tanned, smooth legs of Zak. Those are the legs of Juan Pablo, The Bachelor's international-ish object of everyone's affection. He was barely on Desiree's season, but apparently Bachelor Nation is #obsessed with him. I actually laughed out loud in surprise and unexpected delight when he was revealed as the next Bachelor.
Here's what little we know about him: he's good at soccer, he speaks a little English, girls are willing to make T-shirts declaring their love for him. What we learn about him from this clip package is that he needs to work a little on his abs, he's from Venezuela and New York, he has a daughter who was born on Valentine's Day. His baby mama's name is Carla (it's not me, but I totally would!), his daughter's name is Camila. Juan Pablo wasn't even there when James was arguing with Kasey and Michael about the odds of being the next Bachelor. I can't wait to see Juan Pablo Bachelor it up. It will be like one of the old seasons, back when the chosen Bachelor was a stranger to us.
Bachelor Nation clasps their hands collectively in excitement. All three hours of sitting and waiting has been worth it. I like that Juan Pablo is 32, a respectable age to be finding love on reality TV. I hope they send him some nice girls, and even more crazy ones. Godspeed, Juan Pablo, until January. Des and Chris, you are already forgotten but heyyyyyy give me a call some time and we'll go to a Tom Douglas restaurant. The credits roll on this season as dozens of women from the audience line up to "congratulate" (squeeze) Juan Pablo.