Bachelorette

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The Final Rose

But, wait! There's more! There is Chris. He is from Massachusetts like Ali. He reminds her of her friends back home. Yes, the ones she gets Facebook updates from and sees once a year at Christmas. Those friends. He has a dead mom, which makes him damaged and, thus fixable, which is a quality girls just love in a guy. He has a very nice family. Ali likes to kiss him. Sometimes on his lips.

Roberto is the first bachelor to meet Ali's family. I am praying that he is not wearing the fugly clam digger pleated khaki shorts, but, of course, he is. Do they not have wardrobe assistants on that godforsaken island? They don't mention that in the tourism literature. Someone should have a serious conversation with Roberto about those damn not-short shorts. But maybe Ali sees this fashion faux pas as his one adorably fixable fault, like Chris's dead mom and seeming lack of personality. Roberto charms Ali's family by speaking Spanish and smiling at them and staring into their eyes and licking his lips. Ali's sister drags him outside for personal private tango lessons.

Inside the ocean bungalow, Ali tells her parents about how calm and peaceful Roberto makes her and how handsome he is and how good Roberto is in the sack. Well she stops herself from that last tidbit because her dad already guessed it and her mom wants to find out for herself. Ali's mom takes Roberto to the back room of the bungalow and tears up until Roberto has no choice but to take her into his muscular arms and let her inhale his man scent. Ali's mom comes away from the experience tapping her foot, singing in Spanish, and giving Roberto her stamp of approval.

This approach will not work on Ali's dad. Well, I can't say that definitively. Roberto decides the best way to approach dear old dad is to embrace his patriarchal cultural heritage and go man to man with Ali's dad. He wants Ali's dad to know that family is important and that he is devoted to Ali. He then seeks Ali's dad's blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. Roberto loves his daughter and pinky swears that he has not knocked her up. Also, he has a good job. Ali's dad takes a look at Roberto's teeth and bank balance and then announces that he "doesn't have a problem with" him marrying his daughter. The whole family dances in joy over the possible new addition to the family. Ali and Roberto take a few minutes to make out in front of her family (which is all part of the mating ritual, so don't judge) and then Roberto leaves. All the ladies stare after him, enjoying the view as he goes.

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Bachelorette

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