Ali very reluctantly agrees to go, but when he offers to let her go first (a la Ted Bundy and his moving van) she politely declines. Naturally the basement is actually Mr. Kirk's craft corner. His craft being taxidermy, naturally. You know in the movie The Fantastic Mr. Fox when Mr. Fox's little badger friend has his "episodes" and his eyes go zonkers? Those are the eyes that Ali is making while trying to take in the hall of horrors that is Kirk's dad's cellar. If she doesn't dump Kirk at the next Rose Ceremony it is because she is afeared for her life. The room is filled with a dead-eyed and stuffed Noah's Ark of bobcats, bears, boars, leopards, lobsters, deer, six-point elks, gophers, and his ex-wife. My favorite, obviously, is the caribou foot with googly eyes attached because that is a completely fucking normal craft that he probably made when he was a wee boy at Scout Camp and not at all something to be scared of. Ali realizes that she is contractually obligated to pretend to want this sociopath's relationship advice (hmmm...new advice column?) and asks him about Kirk. The dad explains that Kirk hasn't brought a girl home in years, which is truly shocking. Ali swears that she really enjoyed talking to Kirk's dad, the same way Clarice Starling really enjoyed talking to Hannibal Lechter. At the first chance she runs outside to enjoy fresh air, the sun on her shoulders, and the relative safety of Kirk's Member's Only jacketed arms.

Luckily they are now off to his mother's house, which assuming she doesn't live in a funeral home or a fun house, should be a much nicer environment. OH GOD: Everything I said about home visits is true!! Kirk's mom has braces and frosty pink lipstick and twelve coats too many of mascara. She has a BumpIt perched on her head. His grandma is there in a white suit. This is not a critique, these are just the facts. I am squirming. DAMN YOU, BACHELORETTE! The house appears staged in that there are very few tchotchkes but a lot of almost-matching blue furniture. The upholstery and the carpets have been vacuumed within an inch of their lives. Kirk grips Ali's knee under the table as she gabs with "the girls" in Kirk's life. Later, Ali and Kirk's mom talk about the symbolism of a snapped Lance Armstrong bracelet and Kirk's fungus issues. Ali tears up, but probably at the thought of snuggling with that much mold. Obviously Kirk's mom loves Ali and gives Kirk her blessing as Ali heads off to Frank's house.