In the Rose Room, Frank, Kirk, Chris, and Roberto are lined up in front of Chris Harrison like he is a one-man firing squad about to take them all out. Ali comes out in her floor-length prom dress (what's up, Jessica McClintock?) and immediately bursts into tears. She then swears that she is not kicking the person off because of their family. She doesn't want to do this at all. She cries a lot and then gives Roberto his rose, because: DUH. After an appropriately dramatic interlude, the second rose goes to Chris. Final rose? It's pretty obvious right? I mean, one, we've all seen the teasers for the dramaz ensuing in Tahiti and two, we all know everyone's family was a delight except for one noticeable non-delight. So the final rose goes to [drumroll please] Frank. Because despite her claims that her decision was not based on family ties, it totally was. I mean, there is NO WAY Ali wants to spend another minute with either creepy doll-collecting taxidermy-making dad or sad sad mom. Frank accepts his rose while Ali cries.
Ali takes Kirk outside to talk, but she can't talk because she is so sad. Ali risks fungal contamination and gives Kirk a hug as he heads off to commune with his best taxidermied bear friend and maybe eat a pint of ice cream. Kirk claims he has never had his heart broken before, so this was a big shocker. He was totally ready to get married to Ali. Or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Maybe his dad can make him a girlfriend.
Inside the Mansion of Happiness, Ali, Roberto, Frank, and Chris toast the fact that they are the Winners and Kirk and his (Not) Kreepy Family are the Losers. Also, they are going to Tahiti and Kirk is going to Green Bay. Not to brag or anything.
This episode was so boring it made me almost wish Vienna and Jake would pull a Kanye and interrupt the show to start yelling at each other and mispronouncing standard English words and not talking about Vienna's dog.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates really hopes she never ends up in a basement with Kirk's dad. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.