Bachelorette
Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers

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Worshipping False American Idols

The limo rides off with Trista in Ryan's lap, Ryan admitting in an interview that if he doesn't get the rose from Trista, "it's going to be a bit of a heartbreak." Not that he's putting it all on the line or anything. Back in the hotel, they...I think that's actually the same room she was in the night before with Charlie! Dude, the sex sheets are barely even dry! Or something. Nevetheless, Trista welcomes Ryan to her "humble abode," and the door again closes on the camera, this time to the vague sound of Trista muttering, "Bye-bye to them." Oh. Um. Sorry to bother you.

Ugh. I'm starting to not feel so great. Note to self: orange is not a food group.

Woohoo! L.A.! I'm going to be there 3000 miles, two planes, and one endless recap from now! From the shade of her limo in the shadow of that big famous circle-y building you can see from the 405 that I think belongs to some music conglomerate which means Phil Spector killed indiscriminately throughout the '60s and '70s, Trista sits silently contemplating her future. She tells us that Charlie and Ryan are still "head to head" and that she's "falling for two guys." She can't believe that in a few days she has to choose one of them, and says she hopes to "get a sign" before that time is up. "I have no idea what I'm going to do." Well, then. If this isn't a time to say yes to marriage, I just don't know when is.

Oooooh, Harry Winston. We're sizing rings (well, we're not. She is) today, and she enters through the giant front doors to meet a Kristin, who sits her down at a desk and sizes Trista's finger. She's a size five. Is that a small size? I've never sham shopped for a fake wedding before. Kristin then opens up four boxes and has Trista try on a few rings, Trista noting, "I'm having a little trouble believing I'm sitting here right now." Kristin puts a fourteen-karat point on it, noting, "Hopefully you'll be opening one of these boxes soon. But no pressure!" Shouldn't there be pressure? Should there be a lot of pressure?

Back at the Unstable Stable, Trista voices over during an aerial shot, which always makes it look like her interview space has been moved somewhat northward and into the Divine Kingdom Of Heaven. And what she tells us is this: "The black cloud hanging over this picture is that I can't be with two people. I can only be with one." She notes that these final two "intimate" dates will provide her with "vital information" as to "who will be the right choice." "Vital information"? That is so romantic. And then she'll be able to feed her data into the love-o-meter, and the computer will spit out a series of numbers that will determine that she knows who to be in love with. Just remember to fill out your Scantron forms completely! And eyes on your own papers! Wait. Ew. When did I become "the love proctor"?

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Bachelorette

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