Bachelorette
Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers

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Worshipping False American Idols

"The fact that Ryan and I could just relax and enjoy each other's company really means a lot to me," Trista tells us. "Because it's something that I think we would do a lot in the future if he ends up being the one." Oh, you think? Spending the rest of your life with someone might mean "hanging out" is on the docket? Well then, bring on the monogamy with the big-ass cheesecake they're eating, 'cause if this is love, I'm hungry to try it!

Monogamy is for me/ I'm hungry to try it/ They'll be so full in love/ They won't even have to diet. There. Haven't written a Ryan couplet in a long, long while. That one felt good.

Really bizarrely porn-y music plays as they kiss and coo uncomfortably (for me, anyway), and Ryan offers to sleep on the couch. But Trista sends him packing, noting that "absence makes the heart grow fonder," which he dismisses somewhat cleverly as "rumor." She laughs. She's exhausted. She bids him a kiss-y goodbye, Ryan telling us, "I don't want to go home tonight." At the door, he whispers a breathy "Thanks again for having me." Oh, you only wish she had. As Ryan walks down the path of shame and out of sight, Trista voices over, "I think that I need to think about how my life would be with Ryan and Charlie. Because I think my life would be very different with both of them." I think it would be too, as it would entail breaking the applicable laws of most of the contiguous states. Perhaps you meant to say, "I think my life would be very different with each of them." Because this is clearly the time to diagram. She continues on that there's a "battle going on" inside of her as she tries to decide between the "dreamer" and the "realist." Trista? Thus quoth Christopher Cross: the best that you can do is fall in love. The best that you can do. The best that you can do. The best that you can do. Is fall in love.

More flashbacks. We're reminded through the healing power of montage that Trista met Charlie and immediately thought that he was "the one." Over at Harry Winston, Charlie enters for a ring-shopping extravaganza, Kristin seeing the first of two men that Trista may be engaged to later this evening and doubtlessly taking this moment to reflect on all of that information, surmising in the way of all those whose lives have been touched by this show: my whole life is a lie. Charlie chooses a ring and tells us, "I don't think that you can ever prepare for a moment such as this." To Ryan's montage we go, Trista telling us, "He's a hero at what he does." Firefighters? Our nation's heroes. Don't you go round forgetting it, either. Into Harry Winston he goes, ruminating along the way, "I've got to go shop for a ring today." He broods over which ring he should pick out, telling us, "I really want to be the one with the rose. I really want to have the opportunity to give this ring to Trista." He too leaves the store, and no sooner do the front doors close than does Harry himself issue a memo that his diamond stock is permanently soiled by this experience and that he's closing up business forever and ever and ever.

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Bachelorette

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